I'm a Believer: The impact of Davy Jones, and the Monkees, on my life.

A lot of people online (mainly Facebook) may have been completely baffled by how emotional I was with the passing of Davy Jones.  Those close to me understand why however.  So, I thought I would share my story, both to explain to those who don't understand as well as a sort of closure for me.  And, it's a way to honor Davy and all that he (and the Monkees) brought to my life.

Myself and Davy Jones, around 2008

I was about 12 when the Monkees were first introduced to me.  It was a Saturday morning.  I woke up and headed to the living room, where my dad and older sister were watching TV.  MTV was having a marathon of Monkees episodes.  My sister said she used to watch them every Saturday morning when she was a kid, and that I should watch them because they were really funny.  About 2 episodes in I asked my dad for a VHS tape so that I could tape the marathon.  That was the start of something that would snowball and change my life forever.  Some time passed, and I made a new friend from my band class, Becky.  She was a huge Monkees fanatic, and shared with me many of the Monkees episodes she had taped, as well as their albums that had been re released on cassette (yep, this was just as CDs were just coming out, so cassette tapes were the media of choice).  I was hooked!  We spent that summer hanging out at the pool at my mom's apartment complex during the day, and listening to our Monkees cassettes and watching episodes until late at night.  Nick at Nite had started showing episodes twice a day, so I spent many hours starting play when a new one came on, seeing if it was a new one (if not I would stop and rewind the tape to begin the next new episode), and cutting out the commercials.  I fell in love with Davy (as most girls did that loved the Monkees).  Even though he was older than my dad, I was convinced that we would get married and live happily ever after some day.  I hadn't even had a real boyfriend at that point, so what did I know... ;-)

Then, the best thing that could ever happen to me happened....the Monkees were coming to Louisville in concert!  My first concert ever.  It was amazing.  There they were, live right in front of me!  Later that summer Becky and I would get to see them again in Indianapolis.  Here we got to sit in the front row for the last few minutes of the concert with friends of her dad (in their laps actually).  They reached down and shook hands with people in the front row as they left the stage.  I got to touch them!  It was like a dream.  There was screaming and crying involved from what I remember.  The best thing that had happened to me ever!

My friend Becky would move away to live with her dad that summer, but I had befriended her cousin Karla who was also in band.  Thank goodness, I had someone else to share my love of the Monkees with!  Although I was in my last year of middle school, I got to march with the high school marching band that year.  We spent many band trips sharing headphones and listening to our Monkees albums on the band bus.  Other kids in my school had fallen in love with the Monkees as well, so we had special days where we would all wear our concert T-shirts.  The Monkees had a rebirth in the 80s, a new generation of fans.  This is unheard of, as far as I know, with any other musical group.  Sure, people love the Beatles music, but they didn't have a TV show and band come back like the Monkees did.

At this point you're probably saying "Ok, so you had a teenage crush on a band.  Big deal, what girl didn't at that age??".  And at this point I would agree with you....except this is just the very beginning of my story.  My love of the Monkees' music started my love of the Beatles, my all time favorite musically talented group to this day.  My friend Karla was in love with the Doors, so I was introduced to them as well.  Then came Herman's Hermits, the Who, the list goes on.  I adore music from the 60s and 70s to this day.  Being at the beginning of my experience as a musician at that time this shaped the rest of my life.  To this day I can still hear certain songs that bring such strong emotion, which all started with the Monkees.

My high school years passed and I began my college days.  I, of course, shared my love of the Monkees music to my music school friends (because that was our life after all at that time).  A few years into college I found out that Davy was going to be in the Broadway production of Grease in our city.  I convinced my best friend Ginger (also a musical lover) to go with me.  When we walked into the concert hall there was Davy on stage, 5 or so rows in front of us, playing oldies music and dancing around on stage before the show.  I was a giddy teenager again!  He was still just as good looking as he was during the 60s, and even better looking than the 80s (mullets were a dark time of that decade, lol).  We watched the first half of the play, then stepped out for intermission.  We were standing outside the doorway of the auditorium talking before we went back to our seats.  All of a sudden, without any warning, the side stage door busted open right beside us and out came Davy.  There we were, just the 2 of us and Davy!  As he walked by he said cheerfully "Hello ladies!"  Ginger smiled and said "Hello!" right back to him.  As I tried to ignore the shock I was in and say something similar, hopefully more clever and witty, all I could muster up was "aahh...".  Way to go, I just blew the moment of a lifetime!  Ginger couldn't help but giggle at me.  And looking back, it makes me giggle too.

Several years later I found out that the Monkees were back together yet again and touring over the summer.  Well of course I HAD to see them!  Ginger agreed to go with me to see them perform at the Cincinnati Zoo.  We got there that morning because it was general admission.  We had to get great seats!  There were several other Monkees fanatics waiting with us, playing their music, wearing their T-shirts, etc.  Both of us were new to all of this, Ginger especially since she just came along for the ride pretty much.  We file in to our seats and watched the show.  It was  AMAZING.  Of course I loved their music already, but all 3 of them, Micky, Peter, and Davy, knew exactly how to entertain the crowd!  I wasn't the only one that thought this...Ginger had instantly become a huge fan after that concert as well.  A couple weeks later they were performing at the Columbus Zoo.  So we wrangled up tickets (again general admission, yay!), called in sick to work (cough, cough!) and away we went!  This time Peter came back to the crowd during the sound check and signed autographs.  So exciting!  Then during the concert Davy came down and sang to the front row of the crowd.  Yay, I got to shake his hand again!  It was such a rush!  Later that summer my college sweetheart and I broke up.  I was heartbroken.  Ginger came to the rescue.  What would make me feel better?  A Monkees concert of course!  We headed to NC this time.  There we got to go to a CD/Book signing and saw Micky in a hotel bar we stopped at.  It was just getting better!  Later we went to another concert where the guard to the backstage befriended us, and eventually let us in to the green room after the concert.  We got our pictures made with all 3 and got their autographs.  Peter was the most personable that night.  He looked through the picture book I had just purchased (he had never seen it before) and talked about the different people he was with in the photographs.  So cool!

 The next summer they toured as well.  We had a 3 day weekend where we went to concerts in 3 different cities, making a loop back home.  The first concert was in Merrillville, IN. There we hung out with them in the hotel bar and got to see them up close and personal.  The next night was Rosemont, IL.  We found the hotel they were staying at again and hung out there (we were good at it by this time!).  After a few drinks and an hour or so of being in the same place as the band I decided to pluck up the courage and go introduce myself to Davy.  I walked up to him at the bar, introduced myself as a huge fan since I was a teenager, and it was an honor to meet him.  He smiled and took my hand, and said it was very nice to meet me.  He then told me a joke about a hippo and another animal, and I think there was alcohol involved in the joke.  I was so starstruck I don't remember the joke!  I thanked him, then he touched my cheek and smiled.  I was giddy!  He had paid attention to just me!  They would tour again the following spring, after I had graduated from college and was working in the "real world".  They were playing in Merrillville again, which was just a couple hours away and where they stayed in the same hotel, so of course we had to go to that one!  This time they had an opening band.  It was a boy band that also actually played their own instruments (imagine that!).  We joked about which one we thought was the cutest, etc., but we were there for the opening act.  After the concert we headed to the hotel bar as usual, and as usual the entire band was there.  Including the opening band.  We befriended 2 girls that knew some of the band members, and the next thing I know we are hanging out with the band, and the lead singer of the opening band was flirting and passing out shots to everyone.  We were then invited back to one of their rooms to play cards and have a few drinks.  On the way we passed Davy, and I was personally introduced to him, as "Stephanie the X-ray tech".  "Well hello, Stephanie the X-ray tech!" Davy said, lol.  We then hung out all night and played cards and joked around.  It was a great time!  I would then see them a few more times in concert that summer, and hung out with the opening band's lead singer a few times.  Yep, a real life groupie.  We got so used to being around the Monkees in the real world that it was almost second nature.  Saying hello to their back up band because we recognized each other was just another concert day.

That was over 10 years ago, and those great memories never left me.  I always went on about how great the Monkees were, how I was in love with Davy, how I now had a huge crush on Peter because he was so personable.  Then last year they got together for another concert tour.  The ticket prices were close to $100, and most of the dates were during the week.  With real life setting in since the last time they had toured 10 years ago, I just couldn't make it to any of the dates.  Maybe they will tour again next year, or the year after, and actually come to Louisville again, I thought.

Then 2 weeks ago I was coming back to work from my lunch break, just an average work day.  I decided to check out Facebook before I clocked back in, and there it was.  Less than 10 minutes before they had posted that Davy Jones had passed away.  I stared at my phone.  There is no way.  It's just a rumor, or a mistake.  He is the youngest.  So I checked another source, and there was the same info.  NO, it couldn't be.  Then my phone went crazy the next 30 minutes.  Karla, Ginger, my sister, everyone was texting me about the news they had just heard.  Ginger found out that it was a heart attack.  The rest of the day was a blur.  I was numb from the shock.  I talked to a few co workers that were from their original generation about it, and they were shocked as well (of course not as much as I was).  I came home and started cooking dinner, and the national news started lighting up with the news as well.  They had a tribute on one of the news shows for him.  At the end they showed the clip of him in The Brady Bunch episode where he was in the recording studio singing "Girl".  At that point I broke down.  The love of my teenage years, one of the members of my idol band, the band I had spent so many summers worshiping, was gone just like that.  Tim was unfortunate enough to walk in to my apartment at that very moment.  He instantly walked into the kitchen with me standing there bawling, tears streaming down my face.  "I'm ok" I muttered.  Having listened to my Monkees stories before he understood my sadness and just hugged me.  Oh the things our significant others put up with to be with us!

It's been a couple weeks now, and the shock still hasn't worn off.  Sure, it's not losing a parent or other close family member, but it's pretty damn close.  My entire life was shaped by my musical influences, which all started with my love for the Monkees.  That's where my love of all music started, that's what brought light to my confusing teenage days, my depression of break ups and having to be out in the real world.

So as my closing, I just want to say a big THANK YOU to Davy.  Thank you for everything you did, for being so friendly and personable and bringing joy to so many lives.  You will live in our hearts forever.  I will carry those great memories and experiences you helped bring to my life.  You will be greatly missed, but never forgotten.

Facing past demons...when you didn't know you had them.

Anyone who knows me well knows that i'm fascinated with human psychology and how the mind works.  I have been since college, and came very close to majoring in Psychology.  I mention that because that is the basis of why I decided to post this.  I debated whether I wanted to share something this candid for all to see, but decided that if I am to eventually help others (which is my goal in life) then I need to be as open and honest as I can be.  So here you go!

A few weeks ago an old friend had a big 50th birthday bash.  This was one of the instructors of Coyote's dance team that I was a part of in college.  I haven't seen most of the people associated with my dancing days in almost 10 years or more, so I was very excited about the invite and immediately said yes!  Not to mention that I knew there would be dancing involved, which I have greatly missed since my dance team days.  So I got out my best dancing shoes, gave Tim some background (since he didn't know me from this time in my life) and away we went.  It was a blast! It was just like a high school reunion.  I spent many hours/weekends with these people.  We were at Coyote's almost every Friday and Saturday night, often until 2am, and Sunday was practice.  Not to mention the appearances and competitions we went to.   I got to catch up with many people I hadn't seen in years, and proved to myself that I could still do both the line dancing and couples dances, at least without falling flat on my ass, LOL.  Unfortunately I was exhausted after just one dance, where back in the day I could do several in a row before I took a break.  I had truly missed dancing, and have been wanting to get back in to it for years.  Unfortunately with the disappearance of Coyote's downtown there's just no good place to do so any longer.  It was a fun night all around.

Me during my dance team days 

(second from the left if you couldn't figure it out. ;-)

We rolled back in to my apartment afterwards (it was just a few blocks from my place, which was handy), and I headed to the shower as usual after a late night.  I suddenly started feeling major anxiety and stress out of nowhere.  I couldn't figure why in the world this was happening after such a great night of old friends and dancing, one of my favorite things to do in the world.   I had faced many people and events from my past, some very unpleasant, and never had this kind of reaction.  I'm now a self assured and confident person and have worked hard to become this way.  After several minutes of analyzing, the reason instantly came to me...

I was on the dance team for almost 4 years, and continued dancing for a year or 2 after that.  My dancing past time tapered off gradually, and I was about 26 when I stopped completely.  When I first started on the dance team my young college life was great, or as good as any college student in their early 20s could be.  I had friends of all walks of life; from my music school days, from the dance team, and several others with no relation to either.  I had supportive parents.  I finally could see the light at the end of the college tunnel and was accepted into X-ray school.  But I was a very different person than I am now.  My interests were mostly the same, but I was quite shy and rarely spoke my mind or spoke up for myself (I know people who know me now but did not know me back then will find this hard to believe!).  I was also not a very confident person.  Although I was slender and looked young and decently attractive for my age (I had my youth and lack of money for junk food for that), worked out fairly regularly, had given up steaks years before, and drank lots of water I was still not exactly the picture of perfect health.

Then "life" started to happen.  My college boyfriend and I ended our up and down relationship.  At that time I put a lot more stock on being with someone than I do now.  It was part of "being happy".  Most of my friends were graduating from college, where I still had a couple years to go.  I got in X-ray school, which anyone who has been in a healthcare program knows how hectic and stressful that is!  Then most of my friends started getting married.  As many single (and some married) people know, you are more valued and your opinion matters more if you are married (or on your way to being so) and having babies.  If I was upset because I had to see my ex and his new fiance at an engagement party, for instance, them going on and on about how in love they were with each other even though they weren't together in college (and, incidentally, he was still with me), that didn't matter.  But if I told one story that was during the time he and I was together that was being rude in insensitive!  Of course it didn't help that I had decided to stay single and not date for the next several years after briefly dating a couple of complete idiots!  So I began growing apart from friends that didn't seem to have the same values as I did.  Then once out of X-ray school the real stress started.  First it was taking my boards.  Then it was trying to be completely confident in my first job in the "real world", even though I was so nervous on a daily basis that I didn't know what I was doing.  I was miserable in my job, and in turn started to slowly to gain weight.  The lack of my dancing, as well as being in my late 20s contributed to this i'm sure!  Then of course that was a snowball effect to losing my self confidence even more.

Eventually I started Massage Therapy school, switched X-ray jobs, and got back into shape.  I worked through all of my inner conflicts and became a more confident and outgoing person.  I was comfortable with who I was as well as with being on my own.  I knew that when I started dating again that it would just enhance my life, not define it.  At the same time I also became a more conscientious and caring person when it came to others.  I started to want to help others become healthy.  I started dating again and had a much healthier outlook on it, as well as standing up for myself when I felt I was being taken advantage of!

And that's the person I am today.  But during my dance team days I was not that person yet.  Although dancing brought me a lot of self confidence, and I absolutely loved it I was still unsure of myself.  It wasn't the dancing itself, or the people that surrounded that part of my life.  It was the place I was in my life during my dancing days.  We learned about something called muscle memory when I was in massage school.  Your mind can associate a muscle or movement with something that happened in the past.  Your muscles essentially store this memory, and when that particular muscle or movement is engaged in a particular way your mind can suddenly remember or react in what seems to you as an abnormal way.  That's what happened to me.  The action of dancing, plus the people and atmosphere all similar to a past moment in my life triggered the response.  Although I remember all that I went through, have worked through all of my issues and insecurities from that time, and have even talked about or remembered the past events, my body wasn't used to that pattern anymore.  Kind of crazy, huh?  It's one of those things I have always read about but never experienced.

I'm not bothered by it, nor am I worried it will happen again.  In fact it helped me realize how far I have really come in the last 10+ years.  I've worked hard to be a better and stronger person, and still continue to do so.  Because I don't think you are ever done growing and evolving as a person.  I just hope that I get the opportunity to dance again soon now that I have this new knowledge about myself.  :-)

30 seconds can change a crappy week...

As some people may know, I decided to apply for an online bachelor's program through a college in CT.  During my lunch break today I got a call from one of their admissions advisors.  Long story short, pending financial aid I was accepted for the Fall 2012 semester!  I went ahead and applied, because thinking of the last time I applied for a college (out of high school back in 1992), you had to send in your application, wait for your ACT scores to come in, etc.  Applying for a program geared towards full time employees that have several college credits already is a little bit easier!  I spoke to her for a few minutes and found out a little more about the program and what my requirements will be.  I can transfer 90 credit hours from U of L, which means I will have to take 30 credit hours to graduate.  If I take 2 classes per 8 week term, plus 2 classes over the summer, I will finish in a year.  You have no idea how awesome that is!

Here is a little background:  I started U of L as a Music Ed. major on scholarship, and graduated with my Associates degree in Radiography.  This means I have a LOT of credit hours.  143 to be exact.  The reaction from admissions at Bridgeport College was "We just wanted to make sure you were indeed applying for a Bachelor's degree and not a Master's, since you have so many credits."  Me: "Yeah, I know....I am for sure applying for your Bachelor's program."  LOL this made me chuckle.  I explained how all these credits came about.  Both Music and Radiography programs have very specific courses you take, unlike programs like psychology, history, business, etc.  Those programs you could potentially transfer your core classes for other degrees.  However, courses such as Orchestra, Brass Methods, Radiographic Positioning, Radiographic Exposures, etc. will not transfer to any other degree obviously!  I do have several General Ed. courses as well though, which is why this program is perfect for me.  The reason I haven't gone back for my Bachelor's degree for the last 10 years is because even with all my credits it would take me another 2 years full time to get all the credits I would need.  With all the credits I have already, and trying to work full time, that was just crazy to me!  There are the basic ed. classes, such as 3 semesters of a language, communications requirements, history requirements, etc.  Then you add all of the courses you need for the core program you are enrolled in.  Plus I would have to try to attend courses around work.  It was just never feasible.  Then came the online programs.  Most were either from "online colleges" with no real credibility, or the program still required a boat load of courses I still had to take.  Then came Bridgeport College.  They have a Social Sciences program, which is more general than many Bachelor's programs.  The program is geared towards someone in my exact situation.  It is a REAL college with a campus, and even a basketball team!  LOL  I'll have to get a T-shirt and root for their Division II team.  ;-)  I can work on my coursework at nights and on weekends, and even lunch breaks if need be.  I can still have my job and even my tuition reimbursement from our company.

What seems funny to me is how many people (mostly people my age and older) ask "What will you do with a Bachelor's".  My initial response is "Well, I'll have a Bachelor's.".  Having this many credits and no BS diploma is very disheartening.  I would eventually like to switch careers, but in today's world just having a Bachelor's degree in anything at all is the main requirement in many jobs.  Plus it will give you a leg up in any career, including my current one.

So, there you go.  I'm going to be a full time college student again!  Pending my financial aid that is.  I can't afford it if I can't at least get a student loan.  I'm super excited to finally get my Bachelor's degree.  I am looking in to leaning towards nutrition or health services.  Bridgeport also has an online Master's in Nutrition that peaked my interest, but that's way down the line!  One step at a time.  :-D

I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies...

Yeah, I gasp every time I see this pamphlet too.   And I'm the one who essentially asked my doctor for it!  LATER childbearing, really?  Well, if I want to have kids that is the category I fall in.

So I'm sure many are asking why I have information on getting pregnant when I'm not married yet, let alone trying to have a baby.  I am a planner.  I like to map out a basic blueprint as to where my life is going and what I want for my future.  When I was in high school/college I assumed my life would be as follows:  Meet my future husband in college, graduate college, get a kick ass job, get married, have babies, live happily ever after.  Needless to say that's not exactly what life had in store for me.  But I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason.  I wasn't ready to settle down at 25, or even 30.  Not to mention I had yet to meet "the one".  I was not going to settle down with the wrong person for me just to fit in to the status quo.  I would rather be alone than stuck with the wrong person for the rest of my life!!  Plus I refuse to rush a relationship just to make sure I got married in time to have children, nor will I rush being newly married in case I run out of time to get pregnant.  A relationship, a marriage, is something that takes time.  I want to be able to enjoy the person I'm with and make sure they are indeed the right person before I throw in complications such as marriage and children into the mix.

So, that brings us to current day.  Being 37 I know my days of being able to have a child are numbered.  Yes, I hear all the time how women have kids all the way through their 40's.  But I refuse to do that.  For one, the risk for both the mother and the child goes up exponentially.  Plus, the chance of birth defects goes up significantly after 40.  I also don't want to have to attend my child's graduation using a walker or Hoveround, or have to bury their parents before they are even able to have children of their own.  It's not fair to the child, and It's not fair to my health either.  So, at my annual appointment this month I decided to ask my doctor about having children at my age, and what age should I start being concerned for my own health as well as the baby's.

That's how I came to acquire this lovely pamphlet.  It does come as quite of a shock that I'm considered "Later Age" when it comes to childbearing.  Hell, I don't even feel ready to start a family!  It kind of freaks me out thinking about having children.  Which is especially ironic since most of my friends that plan on having children have already been there, done that years ago.  Then I have to tell myself come on, you're 37.  My mom had 2 children, one almost of legal age, and a divorce under her belt by the time she was my age.  But that just seems crazy to me!

So, where do I stand with possibly having children?  Only time will tell.  I am not yet married, so there's that to take care of first!  If I settle down in the next year or 2 then getting pregnant is still a possibility for me.  If I don't, or if for some reason I do get married and the timing just isn't right for having a child, then it wasn't meant to be.  As I said before, I believe everything happens for a reason.  If I am meant to have a child it will happen.  If it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be.  I refuse to base my life and happiness on if I have kids or not.  It's not fair to myself, and it's not fair to the child if I have one.  I live in the moment and refuse to fret and worry and have my life dictated on things that are beyond my control.  So I guess we'll see what the next few years brings for me!  First let's see if I settle down and get married first and when, then we'll go from there.  :-)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Wow, what a year it's been.  So many ups and downs the entire year!  I've never had such great things and some of the worst betrayals happen all at once like 2011 brought.  The only way to recap is chronological order...

I started out the year finding out our company was bought out by Baptist Healthcare.  We spent almost 2 months not knowing what the change would entail, what our pay would be, and most importantly what was going to happen to our major vacations planned for the year already!!  I had a trip to Costa Rica planned already for May, and the flight was non refundable.  We were finally told right before the merger that our vacations would be fine.  I also was getting a much needed pay increase finally (I was going on 4 years without a raise, and I was already well underpaid from what an RT normally makes).  In trying to make sure I used as much of my vacation time saved up as possible, Tim and I made a trip to my favorite place in the world, Jekyll Island.  It was amazing as always (even more so because there's no one there in Feb.!), and Tim fell in love with it as well.  We even got to spend Valentine's Day at the beach. 

As of March 31st we were officially merged.  The week leading up to the merger, which was already stressful, Craig came home for work related reasons.  It was always stressful when he was home anyway, but add in the fact that we had been broken up for almost 7 months made it even more so.  We got along fine as usual though, and he came and left with no incident to speak of.  Little did I know what was actually going on behind the scenes...

A week after our merger, and just over a week after Craig left, I get a casual email from him telling me that he was going to be a father and was getting married.  My explanation is short and sweet isn't it?  That's because that's about the extent of the email I got.  After some cussing him out and probing on my instinct that there was more to the story, I found out he was seeing her well before we broke up.  Seeing as he cheated and didn't bother to break things off even after 2 weeks of being home the next time he saw me (I finally pryed a conversation out of him right before he left and basically put the words in his mouth that he wanted to end things), and part of the reason we broke things off was because he didn't want to settle down and have kids, and how he had the nerve to cheat on me after being 150% steadfast against cheating and after I basically ran his life and house for him while he was living it up out of the country, needless to say I was pissed, hurt, and ready to stab someone, to put it mildly!

My first priority at that point was to move back to Louisville at all costs.  While I was trying to plan all this, get my finances in order, and pack and purge all my crap, I was told I wouldn't be able to take my vacation unless they filled 2 positions at work so I would have someone to fill in for me.  Yeah, I was pissed.  We finally hire 2 people, and I'm still not told if I can still have my time off (she had to be started and trained first).  One WEEK before my plane took off I was casually told that my vacation time was approved.  Good thing, because I was going to stab someone if it wasn't!  So, I have my vacation set up and my move in date to my new apartment set up.  Great!!  Then at a routine trip to the vet to check Tissi's thyroid levels less than a week before my trip, I'm told she is in moderate renal failure and had to stay in the hospital for a couple days.  This couldn't happen now.  I couldn't lose my Peeps just as my world was coming crashing down around me!  Not to mention the cost and who was going to take care of her while I was gone on my trip.  Thank goodness she was going to be OK, but with some major changes to her daily routine.  Thankfully Tim was nice enough to stay at the house and take care of her full time while I was gone.  I knew he would take good care of her, and I would check in via Skype daily to make sure she was ok.

Finally, 10 years after getting my passport for this very trip, I made it to Costa Rica.  It was an amazing experience.  I love embracing different cultures and enjoying different climates, and CR brought all of that and more!  It was much needed after all of the crap that went down the first few months of the year. 

Once I got home from the trip I was packing furiously and finally moved for the next few weeks until my move.  It felt so great to be back where I felt at home, close to work, and most importantly out of the house where I now felt trapped and smothered in.  I felt free.  Now was the time to heal from the emotional crap that got me there in the first place.  I got support from some surprising people, such as coworkers I only speak to during working hours.  People showed great empathy.  Unfortunately there were some people I was close to that didn't show any support.  Of course those are the people you really need it from.  There were times I felt really alone when working through it all.  And on top of it I was hurt that people I had supported through much less showed no support or empathy, and even had the opinion that I was "overreacting".  That was just as hurtful as what Craig had done, because it was people I thought would always have my back.  But the one person that was the most supportive was Tim.  He was the one person that had every right to run the other way, but instead he understood that a once mutual and understanding breakup and the remaining friendship and trust that was left from it had turned into something very ugly.  He gave me the time and space I needed to sort it all out.  And to that I will be forever grateful.  I guess it is true that people show their true colors when you go through the toughest times in your life.  But I thank everyone that showed support, no matter how small the gesture was.

As I was working through all of these major life changes in such a short time, I came to another major decision in my life that I had thought about for many years.  I decided to become a vegetarian, and after a couple months started working towards becoming a full vegan.  This has been a change that brings me positive feelings every single day.  I can't say that anything else I've done in my life has come even close to doing that.  I feel good every time I eat, because I know that I am doing something good for my body, for animals, for the environment, and even for my ethics that I've held for so many years.  Plus I know that every thing I eat is going to taste awesome and be different and exciting.  Most people can't say that they feel that way even on occasion, let alone every day of their lives!  This decision has also brought me closer to one of my passions, which is educating other people about their health and nutrition and making a difference.  I have started a blog to follow my No Meat journey, and it has inadvertently inspired others to make positive changes in their lives.  It has also brought new avenues of support and friendship in reaching out to the interwebs to find others that are also making this decision.  I even recently won a virtual cooking lesson with one of the most popular Vegan recipe book authors!  :-)

So you can see, this year has had some major ups and downs from beginning to end!  These trials and tribulations have brought Tim and I even closer, and we are planning on moving in together when our leases are up this year.  For the first time in my life I don't start to doubt or worry when I think about a future together.  I am also planning on enrolling in an online program to get my Bachelor's degree in Social Sciences.  I have wanted to get my Bachelor's for some time, and this program will lead me into the direction I would really like to go with my career.  I am hoping to eventually go into something nutrition and/or health based and help people who really need to get healthy.  I am more than happy to see 2011 go away!  But I know that the experiences I've had will make me a stronger person in 2012, and I look forward to see what the new year has to bring.  I feel like I've been to hell and back this year, so I have no worries that this next year will be better! 

I hope everyone has a great New Year and wishes everyone the best.  :-)

My forearm Bone Density results over the last 6 years

"What in the world is this picture of?!?"

This is my "Report Card" that I would love to hang on the refrigerator.  I might even do so after I finish this blog entry!  LOL

Let me explain, both what this is and why it's so exciting.  As an X-ray tech I'm trained to do Bone Density (DEXA) scans.  In my position at the physician's office I work in I do all of the Bone Density scans in our office, and we get a LOT.  One of the scans we do is a scan of the forearm.  We very rarely do this type of scan, as the spine and hips is a much better area to measure.  Since we get less than 1 a year where we have to scan the forearm we practice on each other to keep up our skills. 

A Bone Density is done to measure the density of your bones (duh).  More specifically, it is to see if you are at risk or showing any signs of Osteoporosis, which is weak/fragile bones.  A person with early signs of Osteoporosis can easily fracture a bone, say during a fall, where a person with normal/strong bones would walk away without a fracture.  A person with severe Osteoporosis could potentially get up out of bed one morning and break their hip just from standing up.  Scary, right?  This scan is primarily done regularly on women who have entered menopause, because the drop in your hormones can cause a dramatic drop in your bone density.  There are other risk factors for people who may be more likely to have/develop Osteoporosis, such as a low calcium intake over the course of your life, lack of exercise, caffeine intake, smoking, or most commonly a small/petite frame.  To give you an idea of a time frame for the development of bone density (especially in females), around age 30 you stop building new bone density, around 35 you start gradually losing density, then once you hit menopause (for women only obviously!) your density starts dropping more dramatically. 

As most people that know me at all know that I have a very healthy and active diet and lifestyle for the most part.  Not to mention my love of milk and ice cream over the course of my life!  The one thing that I was always concerned about when it came to my bone density is my petite body frame.  Let's face it, I have a puny bone structure!  So I was very curious to see what my bone density was when we started doing scans in our office.  Thankfully my regular Bone Density scan (spine and femur) were perfectly normal.  Yay!  No surprise though, considering my first scan was when I was 30.  The real surprise came when we did my forearm scan.  My wrists/forearms are the smallest part of my body.  It's pretty bad when I can wrap my fingers around my own wrists with room to spare!!  Although my first forearm scan was in the "normal" range, it was teetering very close to the first stages of Osteoporosis (the precursor to Osteoporosis is called Osteopenia).  Since it was still in the normal range I didn't think too much about it...until I noticed what happened with my future scans.

The density in my forearm was steadily dropping towards the "danger zone".  Every 2 years we did the scan my bone density was declining in a steady pace.  My scan 2 years ago (my third scan) showed that if my bone density dropped the same amount again I would be in the Osteopenia range.  At 35 that is NOT a good thing!  I was taking calcium supplements, eating calcium rich foods such as yogurt, milk, etc.  And although I was exercising regularly doing weight bearing exercise (which is what you do to build your bone density) most exercising does not involve bearing weight on your forearms, unless you walk around on your hands most of the time!

So, I changed my workouts.  Using pilates and yoga, and incorporating a stability ball, I started doing all of my upper body strengthening exercises using my body weight.  I would position middle on the stability ball, for example, bearing all my weight on my upper body, and do various exercises.  I also did yoga and pilates poses that use your upper body strength to build your muscle and strength.  Worst case scenario I would just be building my muscles in a different way to keep from "muscle memory".  Best case scenario I would stop losing bone density in my forearms, or maybe even gain a little God willing!

Then a few weeks ago we did another scan on my forearm so I could teach a new tech how to do them.  My results are what you see above.  The left column is when I had the scan, the first scans I had being at the bottom and the most recent scan at the top.  Then my age at the time of the scans is listed in the next column.  The technical calculation numbers are the next few columns.  The exciting part is the far right column...that is where it shows the percentage of change in the density from the previous scan.  As you can see the first few scans showed a negative percentage, which means I lost density in my bones.  Then you see the top percentage number...a 6.1% increase in my bone density in my forearm!!  At age 37 I'm technically not supposed to be building more bone.  But just a simple change in the way I exercised, weight bearing on my arms/upper body, made a world of difference!  I am no longer in danger of dropping into the "danger zone"! 

Bone density (and really health in general) has become a passion of mine.  Being the front line of our patients I have to know a lot about bone density, and have to be able to answer any questions and educate the patients on how to keep their bones healthy.  The other passion of mine is keeping myself healthy and avoid the health risks that my family history may hand me.  One of the health issues I'm most at risk for being such a small frame is developing Osteoporosis.  The fact that I was able to BUILD my bone density back up with exercise (and of course my healthy diet) is AMAZING!

Anyway, I just had to share my exciting results/news, especially since this is a subject I'm very passionate about.  Women, please take your calcium with vitamin D supplements daily, starting from the time you are a teenager!  Eat a healthy diet with calcium rich foods such as spinach, broccoli, low fat yogurt, etc.  Make sure you exercise regularly doing weight bearing activities such as yoga, walking, jogging, and weight lifting.  Osteoporosis is a silent killer...you won't know or "feel" you are at risk for it until it's too late!  over 65% of post menopausal women who fracture a hip will die from some sort of complication within 18 months.  Don't be a statistic!  We now know how to prevent this, which is a step beyond older generations!  :-)

My 9/11/01 story

I was fairly fresh out of college (9 months) and working my first "real world" job. And I was miserable. I was still trying to figure out who I was and where my place was in the world, and I hated my job. It was an all-consuming hate that effected the rest of my life as well. I was (at that time) about 15 lbs overweight and basically just existing.

I was working a 10-6 shift at the hospital in downtown Louisville at the time, so I was just getting up and going at the time everything started happening. My best friend called me and just said "You need to turn on the TV.". I turned it on after the plane had hit the second tower, and they were getting word about the Pentagon. I was speechless, like everyone else i'm sure. At that time I had never been to NYC. For anyone who has, you don't realize the size of the city or the magnitude of all of the tall buildings surrounding you. It's easy to be naive about it, which will come in to play later.

I was running a little late to work after watching the coverage and (trying) to get over the shock. I got in the car and turned it on Bob and Tom as I always did on the way to work. I knew it was serious when even they were only talking about what was happening. As I drove on the Watterson expressway and was about to get on to I65 north I remember seeing a plane cross my path about to land. I thought to myself "That may be the last plane landing in the country" and wondering where it was supposed to be heading to, as they had demanded all planes land at the closest airport immediately. It was such a clear, beautiful day. As I was pulling into my parking spot in the garage at work is when the first tower collapsed. I sat there for at least 2 minutes with my mouth open in shock. It fell?? I walked the 2-3 blocks to the hospital as fast as I could so I could try to get somewhere to keep up with what was happening. I clocked in and ran to the break room first thing. Within 30 seconds the second tower was collapsing live on the TV. I lost my breath and fell against the wall. This was the worst thing that my generation had ever seen, and it was happening live on TV for all to see. I remember leaving work at 6 that day. What was usually filled with the sounds of UPS planes, helicopters, passenger planes all going over downtown was completely gone. It was such an eery silence. How could such a tragedy happen on such a beautiful day? I passed WLKY news building on my way to the parking garage, and the weather forecaster at the station at the time was passing out small American flags to all the people and cars that passed by. It was so touching to me. This country had come together as one. There were no Democrats or Republicans. There were no rich or poor. There were just the millions of Americans all feeling, hurt, confused, and helpless the same. It was at that moment that I realized how proud we should be to be Americans. I had never felt the power of that until that very moment.

Of course like most Americans I was confused and lost as to what to say or do next. Then it hit me that I was in health care now and maybe I could help. They would have a major overload of injured flooding the hospitals, and just maybe I could go to help. Of course this was a VERY hopeful and naive thought. As the hours and days went by there would be no survivors to take to the hospital. Not even bodies to recover to give the families closure. But work went on as normal. People still came in for their Myelograms, their Upper GI studies, their possible broken ankles. How could all these people carry on like normal? It just didn't feel right to me. One thought came to my mind repeatedly all day; what was I doing? Why am I here? It was that day that I made a decision to change my life. I was changing the path of my career and not going to be miserable any longer. I was going to do something I was proud of, where I actually felt I was helping people. I didn't know what or how yet, but it was going to happen! It was probably no more than a month later I decided to go to Massage Therapy school. This decision changed the rest of my life. In finding another part time job to do while I was in school I found myself at my doctor's office getting a "stamp of good health" to qualify for a job. The physician I was seeing found out I was an X-ray tech and said they were in desperate need of one there. I talked to the supervisor on the phone that night, and 9 years later I am the primary tech in the office. I realized I wasn't in the wrong career field but in the wrong job! I still did massage therapy on the side and will possibly get back into that field again in some way. And i'm very glad I went to massage school and got my certification!

Almost 3 years after the attacks I found myself in NYC for the first time. We decided to go see the site of the World Trade Center attacks. At that time the subway still was closed in that area, and the site was just a giant concrete hole, probably 10 stories, with a fence around it. There was a silence in this large city around the site. It took your breath away. You could feel the energy of the tragedy, of the country coming together. It was like time stopped in that area. I remember then looking up at the surrounding buildings. I was shocked to see windows still blown out, chunks of brick gone from these buildings, still closed. 3 years later and there was still the marks of this tragedy. It really brought the magnitude of what happened to light. Words cannot express the vastness of the area, how large and TALL these buildings are. You just can't grasp this until you see the city in person.

10 years later I look back and see how far i've come as a person, and how that one day changed my life, my attitude towards life and people, forever. I will never forget that day. I will never forget the feeling of that day, and my thoughts and prayers will never stop for all of those who lost loved ones that day. We should all realize the freedom that we have that no other country in the world has, that we have the opportunity to be whatever we want to be in this country. Americans seem to lose sight of that and let politics and religion get in the way of remembering it. We have this RIGHT as Americans, where other countries don't have that luxury. So next time you see a Police officer, a Fireman, or a Soldier fighting for our freedom make sure to thank them in any way that you can, no matter what your political or religious beliefs are. They deserve it. They are willing to die for US, for YOU, without anyone asking them to. Remember that, and remember all the innocent people that lost their lives 10 years ago. I know I will never forget.