A few weeks ago an old friend had a big 50th birthday bash. This was one of the instructors of Coyote's dance team that I was a part of in college. I haven't seen most of the people associated with my dancing days in almost 10 years or more, so I was very excited about the invite and immediately said yes! Not to mention that I knew there would be dancing involved, which I have greatly missed since my dance team days. So I got out my best dancing shoes, gave Tim some background (since he didn't know me from this time in my life) and away we went. It was a blast! It was just like a high school reunion. I spent many hours/weekends with these people. We were at Coyote's almost every Friday and Saturday night, often until 2am, and Sunday was practice. Not to mention the appearances and competitions we went to. I got to catch up with many people I hadn't seen in years, and proved to myself that I could still do both the line dancing and couples dances, at least without falling flat on my ass, LOL. Unfortunately I was exhausted after just one dance, where back in the day I could do several in a row before I took a break. I had truly missed dancing, and have been wanting to get back in to it for years. Unfortunately with the disappearance of Coyote's downtown there's just no good place to do so any longer. It was a fun night all around.
Me during my dance team days
(second from the left if you couldn't figure it out. ;-)
I was on the dance team for almost 4 years, and continued dancing for a year or 2 after that. My dancing past time tapered off gradually, and I was about 26 when I stopped completely. When I first started on the dance team my young college life was great, or as good as any college student in their early 20s could be. I had friends of all walks of life; from my music school days, from the dance team, and several others with no relation to either. I had supportive parents. I finally could see the light at the end of the college tunnel and was accepted into X-ray school. But I was a very different person than I am now. My interests were mostly the same, but I was quite shy and rarely spoke my mind or spoke up for myself (I know people who know me now but did not know me back then will find this hard to believe!). I was also not a very confident person. Although I was slender and looked young and decently attractive for my age (I had my youth and lack of money for junk food for that), worked out fairly regularly, had given up steaks years before, and drank lots of water I was still not exactly the picture of perfect health.
Then "life" started to happen. My college boyfriend and I ended our up and down relationship. At that time I put a lot more stock on being with someone than I do now. It was part of "being happy". Most of my friends were graduating from college, where I still had a couple years to go. I got in X-ray school, which anyone who has been in a healthcare program knows how hectic and stressful that is! Then most of my friends started getting married. As many single (and some married) people know, you are more valued and your opinion matters more if you are married (or on your way to being so) and having babies. If I was upset because I had to see my ex and his new fiance at an engagement party, for instance, them going on and on about how in love they were with each other even though they weren't together in college (and, incidentally, he was still with me), that didn't matter. But if I told one story that was during the time he and I was together that was being rude in insensitive! Of course it didn't help that I had decided to stay single and not date for the next several years after briefly dating a couple of complete idiots! So I began growing apart from friends that didn't seem to have the same values as I did. Then once out of X-ray school the real stress started. First it was taking my boards. Then it was trying to be completely confident in my first job in the "real world", even though I was so nervous on a daily basis that I didn't know what I was doing. I was miserable in my job, and in turn started to slowly to gain weight. The lack of my dancing, as well as being in my late 20s contributed to this i'm sure! Then of course that was a snowball effect to losing my self confidence even more.
Eventually I started Massage Therapy school, switched X-ray jobs, and got back into shape. I worked through all of my inner conflicts and became a more confident and outgoing person. I was comfortable with who I was as well as with being on my own. I knew that when I started dating again that it would just enhance my life, not define it. At the same time I also became a more conscientious and caring person when it came to others. I started to want to help others become healthy. I started dating again and had a much healthier outlook on it, as well as standing up for myself when I felt I was being taken advantage of!
And that's the person I am today. But during my dance team days I was not that person yet. Although dancing brought me a lot of self confidence, and I absolutely loved it I was still unsure of myself. It wasn't the dancing itself, or the people that surrounded that part of my life. It was the place I was in my life during my dancing days. We learned about something called muscle memory when I was in massage school. Your mind can associate a muscle or movement with something that happened in the past. Your muscles essentially store this memory, and when that particular muscle or movement is engaged in a particular way your mind can suddenly remember or react in what seems to you as an abnormal way. That's what happened to me. The action of dancing, plus the people and atmosphere all similar to a past moment in my life triggered the response. Although I remember all that I went through, have worked through all of my issues and insecurities from that time, and have even talked about or remembered the past events, my body wasn't used to that pattern anymore. Kind of crazy, huh? It's one of those things I have always read about but never experienced.
I'm not bothered by it, nor am I worried it will happen again. In fact it helped me realize how far I have really come in the last 10+ years. I've worked hard to be a better and stronger person, and still continue to do so. Because I don't think you are ever done growing and evolving as a person. I just hope that I get the opportunity to dance again soon now that I have this new knowledge about myself. :-)
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