So a month or so has passed since my last blog post. A lot has happened in just that short amount of time! My niece just turned 2, and my nephew is now 6 months old. I can't believe how fast they are growing! I wish I was able to see them more often. They are, of course, perfect and wonderful. Even when my niece is throwing a tantrum on the floor I think it's adorable, lol.

Pep band is also in full swing again with all the fall sports. I always love coming back after the summer to play again! Yesterday was the first time I got a chance to see the new arena, with the red-white scrimmage. All I can say is wow! It felt a little weird passing the Eastern Pkwy. exit to head to a game, and I was definately concerned that it wouldn't feel like a true home game since i've been going to games since I was like 10 in Freedom Hall. I have to say it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it still doesn't feel quite like home yet. The acoustics, however, were amazing compared to the old house. We warmed up to the fight songs before most of the fans got there. It sounded so amazing that I got chills! Being able to play music like that is one of the most amazing rushes I have ever had. Being there to play the fight songs for the first time in the new arena ranked up there with getting to play the National Anthem in Madison Square Gardens 2 years ago. I love it!

I have had several personal revelations in the last month. Most of them came as a shock to me, as I am pretty secure in who I am and do not let anyone's feelings or opinions affect that. Some of them were from things in the past though...I wasn't always this secure in who I am! The first one came to me a few weeks ago. I have always been in touch with my sexuality, at least deep down somewhere lol. But until recently i've always felt a bit reserved, or stifled in away however. I could never put my finger on exactly why, or even that was indeed what I was doing. Since i've been newly single i've felt almost like something was trying to break thru on that level, but I couldn't put a finger on why especially now that I was no longer even dating anyone! I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me! Then in the shower a couple weeks ago I suddenly had a revelation...in the past I have dated people who made me feel in a way like I couldn't, or shouldn't, have those feelings. Sure, they had absolutely no problem with me expressing it to them (typical guys)! But they would be jealous or upset at the thought that I would have ever expressed that to anyone else. I dated a few extremely jealous people that had a problem with the fact that I had any sort of a past. Of course it was ok for them to have one! I even dated someone who would have thrown me under the bus to protect their reputation of seeming virtuous! The revelation that came to me (while analyzing my day lol) was this: I have only dated 2 guys seriously in the last 10 years. 2 people in 10 years! That is hardly what I would call "getting around", lol. I was shocked that I was still carrying around this issue from my past. I was single for almost 5 years in my 20's to get past all of that crap and figure out who I really was for goodness sake! It was very eye opening and humbling for me to realize this, almost like I had to give myself permission to feel human in that way. And to think I wasted all this time until I was well into my 30's to figure this out... ;-)

The next revelation came to me about a week ago. Being in a relationship for over 6 years you kind of forget what it's like to not be in it. Things became so routine with me that I didn't even question where or how the relationship was, even after it was over. Now that my life is taking a different path than it was a few months ago i've started realizing things that I have been missing for years and never realized. I didn't have someone who was truely interested in my life and what was going on with it. I missed feeling special and someone actually telling me so. Even small things, like knowing where my tickle spots are or what it means when I make a certain face. It's so weird that you don't realize you are missing something when you are in the situation! Do I feel that I was settling? No not really. I think at the time that was not a priority in my life.

The last revelation came to me last night, thanks to my bff. We were discussing both my dating life and living situation. There is a chance that Craig could be coming back the middle of next year, instead of a few years now like he was thinking (and hoping). I commented on how it was ironic that he was coming back soon, when part of the reason we broke up is because he was going to be there for quite a while, and now there's a chance he won't be. Her comment back was "Well now you are free to find your true happiness". It suddenly hit me that she was exactly right. I hadn't even thought of that until she said it to me. Although I wasn't unhappy before, I hadn't found my true happiness in life yet. Now I believe that I am well on my way of having it, and soon!

So where am I after almost 3 months of being newly single? Well, much further than I thought I would be at this point for one! I'm out in the dating world again, and actually enjoying being single and "out there" again. When I was in the relationship the thought of me being in my mid 30's and not even close to thinking about having a family came to mind on a regular basis. Not that I was freaking out about not having one, but that I was in a way being held back from even thinking about it. I can honestly say that hasn't crossed my mind in the last couple months at all. I do feel that I am on the right path in my life, and that if it was meant to be it will happen, but I don't have to have it to be happy with myself and my life. Who I have in my life is most important to me. I now only want people in my life that are a positive influence and that truely care about me, and I feel that is happening now. I am not sure exactly what the future holds for me, even in 6 weeks let alone 6 months. But I know whatever it is I can be happy with who I am now. :-)