Facing past demons...when you didn't know you had them.

Anyone who knows me well knows that i'm fascinated with human psychology and how the mind works.  I have been since college, and came very close to majoring in Psychology.  I mention that because that is the basis of why I decided to post this.  I debated whether I wanted to share something this candid for all to see, but decided that if I am to eventually help others (which is my goal in life) then I need to be as open and honest as I can be.  So here you go!

A few weeks ago an old friend had a big 50th birthday bash.  This was one of the instructors of Coyote's dance team that I was a part of in college.  I haven't seen most of the people associated with my dancing days in almost 10 years or more, so I was very excited about the invite and immediately said yes!  Not to mention that I knew there would be dancing involved, which I have greatly missed since my dance team days.  So I got out my best dancing shoes, gave Tim some background (since he didn't know me from this time in my life) and away we went.  It was a blast! It was just like a high school reunion.  I spent many hours/weekends with these people.  We were at Coyote's almost every Friday and Saturday night, often until 2am, and Sunday was practice.  Not to mention the appearances and competitions we went to.   I got to catch up with many people I hadn't seen in years, and proved to myself that I could still do both the line dancing and couples dances, at least without falling flat on my ass, LOL.  Unfortunately I was exhausted after just one dance, where back in the day I could do several in a row before I took a break.  I had truly missed dancing, and have been wanting to get back in to it for years.  Unfortunately with the disappearance of Coyote's downtown there's just no good place to do so any longer.  It was a fun night all around.

Me during my dance team days 

(second from the left if you couldn't figure it out. ;-)

We rolled back in to my apartment afterwards (it was just a few blocks from my place, which was handy), and I headed to the shower as usual after a late night.  I suddenly started feeling major anxiety and stress out of nowhere.  I couldn't figure why in the world this was happening after such a great night of old friends and dancing, one of my favorite things to do in the world.   I had faced many people and events from my past, some very unpleasant, and never had this kind of reaction.  I'm now a self assured and confident person and have worked hard to become this way.  After several minutes of analyzing, the reason instantly came to me...

I was on the dance team for almost 4 years, and continued dancing for a year or 2 after that.  My dancing past time tapered off gradually, and I was about 26 when I stopped completely.  When I first started on the dance team my young college life was great, or as good as any college student in their early 20s could be.  I had friends of all walks of life; from my music school days, from the dance team, and several others with no relation to either.  I had supportive parents.  I finally could see the light at the end of the college tunnel and was accepted into X-ray school.  But I was a very different person than I am now.  My interests were mostly the same, but I was quite shy and rarely spoke my mind or spoke up for myself (I know people who know me now but did not know me back then will find this hard to believe!).  I was also not a very confident person.  Although I was slender and looked young and decently attractive for my age (I had my youth and lack of money for junk food for that), worked out fairly regularly, had given up steaks years before, and drank lots of water I was still not exactly the picture of perfect health.

Then "life" started to happen.  My college boyfriend and I ended our up and down relationship.  At that time I put a lot more stock on being with someone than I do now.  It was part of "being happy".  Most of my friends were graduating from college, where I still had a couple years to go.  I got in X-ray school, which anyone who has been in a healthcare program knows how hectic and stressful that is!  Then most of my friends started getting married.  As many single (and some married) people know, you are more valued and your opinion matters more if you are married (or on your way to being so) and having babies.  If I was upset because I had to see my ex and his new fiance at an engagement party, for instance, them going on and on about how in love they were with each other even though they weren't together in college (and, incidentally, he was still with me), that didn't matter.  But if I told one story that was during the time he and I was together that was being rude in insensitive!  Of course it didn't help that I had decided to stay single and not date for the next several years after briefly dating a couple of complete idiots!  So I began growing apart from friends that didn't seem to have the same values as I did.  Then once out of X-ray school the real stress started.  First it was taking my boards.  Then it was trying to be completely confident in my first job in the "real world", even though I was so nervous on a daily basis that I didn't know what I was doing.  I was miserable in my job, and in turn started to slowly to gain weight.  The lack of my dancing, as well as being in my late 20s contributed to this i'm sure!  Then of course that was a snowball effect to losing my self confidence even more.

Eventually I started Massage Therapy school, switched X-ray jobs, and got back into shape.  I worked through all of my inner conflicts and became a more confident and outgoing person.  I was comfortable with who I was as well as with being on my own.  I knew that when I started dating again that it would just enhance my life, not define it.  At the same time I also became a more conscientious and caring person when it came to others.  I started to want to help others become healthy.  I started dating again and had a much healthier outlook on it, as well as standing up for myself when I felt I was being taken advantage of!

And that's the person I am today.  But during my dance team days I was not that person yet.  Although dancing brought me a lot of self confidence, and I absolutely loved it I was still unsure of myself.  It wasn't the dancing itself, or the people that surrounded that part of my life.  It was the place I was in my life during my dancing days.  We learned about something called muscle memory when I was in massage school.  Your mind can associate a muscle or movement with something that happened in the past.  Your muscles essentially store this memory, and when that particular muscle or movement is engaged in a particular way your mind can suddenly remember or react in what seems to you as an abnormal way.  That's what happened to me.  The action of dancing, plus the people and atmosphere all similar to a past moment in my life triggered the response.  Although I remember all that I went through, have worked through all of my issues and insecurities from that time, and have even talked about or remembered the past events, my body wasn't used to that pattern anymore.  Kind of crazy, huh?  It's one of those things I have always read about but never experienced.

I'm not bothered by it, nor am I worried it will happen again.  In fact it helped me realize how far I have really come in the last 10+ years.  I've worked hard to be a better and stronger person, and still continue to do so.  Because I don't think you are ever done growing and evolving as a person.  I just hope that I get the opportunity to dance again soon now that I have this new knowledge about myself.  :-)

30 seconds can change a crappy week...

As some people may know, I decided to apply for an online bachelor's program through a college in CT.  During my lunch break today I got a call from one of their admissions advisors.  Long story short, pending financial aid I was accepted for the Fall 2012 semester!  I went ahead and applied, because thinking of the last time I applied for a college (out of high school back in 1992), you had to send in your application, wait for your ACT scores to come in, etc.  Applying for a program geared towards full time employees that have several college credits already is a little bit easier!  I spoke to her for a few minutes and found out a little more about the program and what my requirements will be.  I can transfer 90 credit hours from U of L, which means I will have to take 30 credit hours to graduate.  If I take 2 classes per 8 week term, plus 2 classes over the summer, I will finish in a year.  You have no idea how awesome that is!

Here is a little background:  I started U of L as a Music Ed. major on scholarship, and graduated with my Associates degree in Radiography.  This means I have a LOT of credit hours.  143 to be exact.  The reaction from admissions at Bridgeport College was "We just wanted to make sure you were indeed applying for a Bachelor's degree and not a Master's, since you have so many credits."  Me: "Yeah, I know....I am for sure applying for your Bachelor's program."  LOL this made me chuckle.  I explained how all these credits came about.  Both Music and Radiography programs have very specific courses you take, unlike programs like psychology, history, business, etc.  Those programs you could potentially transfer your core classes for other degrees.  However, courses such as Orchestra, Brass Methods, Radiographic Positioning, Radiographic Exposures, etc. will not transfer to any other degree obviously!  I do have several General Ed. courses as well though, which is why this program is perfect for me.  The reason I haven't gone back for my Bachelor's degree for the last 10 years is because even with all my credits it would take me another 2 years full time to get all the credits I would need.  With all the credits I have already, and trying to work full time, that was just crazy to me!  There are the basic ed. classes, such as 3 semesters of a language, communications requirements, history requirements, etc.  Then you add all of the courses you need for the core program you are enrolled in.  Plus I would have to try to attend courses around work.  It was just never feasible.  Then came the online programs.  Most were either from "online colleges" with no real credibility, or the program still required a boat load of courses I still had to take.  Then came Bridgeport College.  They have a Social Sciences program, which is more general than many Bachelor's programs.  The program is geared towards someone in my exact situation.  It is a REAL college with a campus, and even a basketball team!  LOL  I'll have to get a T-shirt and root for their Division II team.  ;-)  I can work on my coursework at nights and on weekends, and even lunch breaks if need be.  I can still have my job and even my tuition reimbursement from our company.

What seems funny to me is how many people (mostly people my age and older) ask "What will you do with a Bachelor's".  My initial response is "Well, I'll have a Bachelor's.".  Having this many credits and no BS diploma is very disheartening.  I would eventually like to switch careers, but in today's world just having a Bachelor's degree in anything at all is the main requirement in many jobs.  Plus it will give you a leg up in any career, including my current one.

So, there you go.  I'm going to be a full time college student again!  Pending my financial aid that is.  I can't afford it if I can't at least get a student loan.  I'm super excited to finally get my Bachelor's degree.  I am looking in to leaning towards nutrition or health services.  Bridgeport also has an online Master's in Nutrition that peaked my interest, but that's way down the line!  One step at a time.  :-D

I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies...

Yeah, I gasp every time I see this pamphlet too.   And I'm the one who essentially asked my doctor for it!  LATER childbearing, really?  Well, if I want to have kids that is the category I fall in.

So I'm sure many are asking why I have information on getting pregnant when I'm not married yet, let alone trying to have a baby.  I am a planner.  I like to map out a basic blueprint as to where my life is going and what I want for my future.  When I was in high school/college I assumed my life would be as follows:  Meet my future husband in college, graduate college, get a kick ass job, get married, have babies, live happily ever after.  Needless to say that's not exactly what life had in store for me.  But I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason.  I wasn't ready to settle down at 25, or even 30.  Not to mention I had yet to meet "the one".  I was not going to settle down with the wrong person for me just to fit in to the status quo.  I would rather be alone than stuck with the wrong person for the rest of my life!!  Plus I refuse to rush a relationship just to make sure I got married in time to have children, nor will I rush being newly married in case I run out of time to get pregnant.  A relationship, a marriage, is something that takes time.  I want to be able to enjoy the person I'm with and make sure they are indeed the right person before I throw in complications such as marriage and children into the mix.

So, that brings us to current day.  Being 37 I know my days of being able to have a child are numbered.  Yes, I hear all the time how women have kids all the way through their 40's.  But I refuse to do that.  For one, the risk for both the mother and the child goes up exponentially.  Plus, the chance of birth defects goes up significantly after 40.  I also don't want to have to attend my child's graduation using a walker or Hoveround, or have to bury their parents before they are even able to have children of their own.  It's not fair to the child, and It's not fair to my health either.  So, at my annual appointment this month I decided to ask my doctor about having children at my age, and what age should I start being concerned for my own health as well as the baby's.

That's how I came to acquire this lovely pamphlet.  It does come as quite of a shock that I'm considered "Later Age" when it comes to childbearing.  Hell, I don't even feel ready to start a family!  It kind of freaks me out thinking about having children.  Which is especially ironic since most of my friends that plan on having children have already been there, done that years ago.  Then I have to tell myself come on, you're 37.  My mom had 2 children, one almost of legal age, and a divorce under her belt by the time she was my age.  But that just seems crazy to me!

So, where do I stand with possibly having children?  Only time will tell.  I am not yet married, so there's that to take care of first!  If I settle down in the next year or 2 then getting pregnant is still a possibility for me.  If I don't, or if for some reason I do get married and the timing just isn't right for having a child, then it wasn't meant to be.  As I said before, I believe everything happens for a reason.  If I am meant to have a child it will happen.  If it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be.  I refuse to base my life and happiness on if I have kids or not.  It's not fair to myself, and it's not fair to the child if I have one.  I live in the moment and refuse to fret and worry and have my life dictated on things that are beyond my control.  So I guess we'll see what the next few years brings for me!  First let's see if I settle down and get married first and when, then we'll go from there.  :-)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Wow, what a year it's been.  So many ups and downs the entire year!  I've never had such great things and some of the worst betrayals happen all at once like 2011 brought.  The only way to recap is chronological order...

I started out the year finding out our company was bought out by Baptist Healthcare.  We spent almost 2 months not knowing what the change would entail, what our pay would be, and most importantly what was going to happen to our major vacations planned for the year already!!  I had a trip to Costa Rica planned already for May, and the flight was non refundable.  We were finally told right before the merger that our vacations would be fine.  I also was getting a much needed pay increase finally (I was going on 4 years without a raise, and I was already well underpaid from what an RT normally makes).  In trying to make sure I used as much of my vacation time saved up as possible, Tim and I made a trip to my favorite place in the world, Jekyll Island.  It was amazing as always (even more so because there's no one there in Feb.!), and Tim fell in love with it as well.  We even got to spend Valentine's Day at the beach. 

As of March 31st we were officially merged.  The week leading up to the merger, which was already stressful, Craig came home for work related reasons.  It was always stressful when he was home anyway, but add in the fact that we had been broken up for almost 7 months made it even more so.  We got along fine as usual though, and he came and left with no incident to speak of.  Little did I know what was actually going on behind the scenes...

A week after our merger, and just over a week after Craig left, I get a casual email from him telling me that he was going to be a father and was getting married.  My explanation is short and sweet isn't it?  That's because that's about the extent of the email I got.  After some cussing him out and probing on my instinct that there was more to the story, I found out he was seeing her well before we broke up.  Seeing as he cheated and didn't bother to break things off even after 2 weeks of being home the next time he saw me (I finally pryed a conversation out of him right before he left and basically put the words in his mouth that he wanted to end things), and part of the reason we broke things off was because he didn't want to settle down and have kids, and how he had the nerve to cheat on me after being 150% steadfast against cheating and after I basically ran his life and house for him while he was living it up out of the country, needless to say I was pissed, hurt, and ready to stab someone, to put it mildly!

My first priority at that point was to move back to Louisville at all costs.  While I was trying to plan all this, get my finances in order, and pack and purge all my crap, I was told I wouldn't be able to take my vacation unless they filled 2 positions at work so I would have someone to fill in for me.  Yeah, I was pissed.  We finally hire 2 people, and I'm still not told if I can still have my time off (she had to be started and trained first).  One WEEK before my plane took off I was casually told that my vacation time was approved.  Good thing, because I was going to stab someone if it wasn't!  So, I have my vacation set up and my move in date to my new apartment set up.  Great!!  Then at a routine trip to the vet to check Tissi's thyroid levels less than a week before my trip, I'm told she is in moderate renal failure and had to stay in the hospital for a couple days.  This couldn't happen now.  I couldn't lose my Peeps just as my world was coming crashing down around me!  Not to mention the cost and who was going to take care of her while I was gone on my trip.  Thank goodness she was going to be OK, but with some major changes to her daily routine.  Thankfully Tim was nice enough to stay at the house and take care of her full time while I was gone.  I knew he would take good care of her, and I would check in via Skype daily to make sure she was ok.

Finally, 10 years after getting my passport for this very trip, I made it to Costa Rica.  It was an amazing experience.  I love embracing different cultures and enjoying different climates, and CR brought all of that and more!  It was much needed after all of the crap that went down the first few months of the year. 

Once I got home from the trip I was packing furiously and finally moved for the next few weeks until my move.  It felt so great to be back where I felt at home, close to work, and most importantly out of the house where I now felt trapped and smothered in.  I felt free.  Now was the time to heal from the emotional crap that got me there in the first place.  I got support from some surprising people, such as coworkers I only speak to during working hours.  People showed great empathy.  Unfortunately there were some people I was close to that didn't show any support.  Of course those are the people you really need it from.  There were times I felt really alone when working through it all.  And on top of it I was hurt that people I had supported through much less showed no support or empathy, and even had the opinion that I was "overreacting".  That was just as hurtful as what Craig had done, because it was people I thought would always have my back.  But the one person that was the most supportive was Tim.  He was the one person that had every right to run the other way, but instead he understood that a once mutual and understanding breakup and the remaining friendship and trust that was left from it had turned into something very ugly.  He gave me the time and space I needed to sort it all out.  And to that I will be forever grateful.  I guess it is true that people show their true colors when you go through the toughest times in your life.  But I thank everyone that showed support, no matter how small the gesture was.

As I was working through all of these major life changes in such a short time, I came to another major decision in my life that I had thought about for many years.  I decided to become a vegetarian, and after a couple months started working towards becoming a full vegan.  This has been a change that brings me positive feelings every single day.  I can't say that anything else I've done in my life has come even close to doing that.  I feel good every time I eat, because I know that I am doing something good for my body, for animals, for the environment, and even for my ethics that I've held for so many years.  Plus I know that every thing I eat is going to taste awesome and be different and exciting.  Most people can't say that they feel that way even on occasion, let alone every day of their lives!  This decision has also brought me closer to one of my passions, which is educating other people about their health and nutrition and making a difference.  I have started a blog to follow my No Meat journey, and it has inadvertently inspired others to make positive changes in their lives.  It has also brought new avenues of support and friendship in reaching out to the interwebs to find others that are also making this decision.  I even recently won a virtual cooking lesson with one of the most popular Vegan recipe book authors!  :-)

So you can see, this year has had some major ups and downs from beginning to end!  These trials and tribulations have brought Tim and I even closer, and we are planning on moving in together when our leases are up this year.  For the first time in my life I don't start to doubt or worry when I think about a future together.  I am also planning on enrolling in an online program to get my Bachelor's degree in Social Sciences.  I have wanted to get my Bachelor's for some time, and this program will lead me into the direction I would really like to go with my career.  I am hoping to eventually go into something nutrition and/or health based and help people who really need to get healthy.  I am more than happy to see 2011 go away!  But I know that the experiences I've had will make me a stronger person in 2012, and I look forward to see what the new year has to bring.  I feel like I've been to hell and back this year, so I have no worries that this next year will be better! 

I hope everyone has a great New Year and wishes everyone the best.  :-)

My forearm Bone Density results over the last 6 years

"What in the world is this picture of?!?"

This is my "Report Card" that I would love to hang on the refrigerator.  I might even do so after I finish this blog entry!  LOL

Let me explain, both what this is and why it's so exciting.  As an X-ray tech I'm trained to do Bone Density (DEXA) scans.  In my position at the physician's office I work in I do all of the Bone Density scans in our office, and we get a LOT.  One of the scans we do is a scan of the forearm.  We very rarely do this type of scan, as the spine and hips is a much better area to measure.  Since we get less than 1 a year where we have to scan the forearm we practice on each other to keep up our skills. 

A Bone Density is done to measure the density of your bones (duh).  More specifically, it is to see if you are at risk or showing any signs of Osteoporosis, which is weak/fragile bones.  A person with early signs of Osteoporosis can easily fracture a bone, say during a fall, where a person with normal/strong bones would walk away without a fracture.  A person with severe Osteoporosis could potentially get up out of bed one morning and break their hip just from standing up.  Scary, right?  This scan is primarily done regularly on women who have entered menopause, because the drop in your hormones can cause a dramatic drop in your bone density.  There are other risk factors for people who may be more likely to have/develop Osteoporosis, such as a low calcium intake over the course of your life, lack of exercise, caffeine intake, smoking, or most commonly a small/petite frame.  To give you an idea of a time frame for the development of bone density (especially in females), around age 30 you stop building new bone density, around 35 you start gradually losing density, then once you hit menopause (for women only obviously!) your density starts dropping more dramatically. 

As most people that know me at all know that I have a very healthy and active diet and lifestyle for the most part.  Not to mention my love of milk and ice cream over the course of my life!  The one thing that I was always concerned about when it came to my bone density is my petite body frame.  Let's face it, I have a puny bone structure!  So I was very curious to see what my bone density was when we started doing scans in our office.  Thankfully my regular Bone Density scan (spine and femur) were perfectly normal.  Yay!  No surprise though, considering my first scan was when I was 30.  The real surprise came when we did my forearm scan.  My wrists/forearms are the smallest part of my body.  It's pretty bad when I can wrap my fingers around my own wrists with room to spare!!  Although my first forearm scan was in the "normal" range, it was teetering very close to the first stages of Osteoporosis (the precursor to Osteoporosis is called Osteopenia).  Since it was still in the normal range I didn't think too much about it...until I noticed what happened with my future scans.

The density in my forearm was steadily dropping towards the "danger zone".  Every 2 years we did the scan my bone density was declining in a steady pace.  My scan 2 years ago (my third scan) showed that if my bone density dropped the same amount again I would be in the Osteopenia range.  At 35 that is NOT a good thing!  I was taking calcium supplements, eating calcium rich foods such as yogurt, milk, etc.  And although I was exercising regularly doing weight bearing exercise (which is what you do to build your bone density) most exercising does not involve bearing weight on your forearms, unless you walk around on your hands most of the time!

So, I changed my workouts.  Using pilates and yoga, and incorporating a stability ball, I started doing all of my upper body strengthening exercises using my body weight.  I would position middle on the stability ball, for example, bearing all my weight on my upper body, and do various exercises.  I also did yoga and pilates poses that use your upper body strength to build your muscle and strength.  Worst case scenario I would just be building my muscles in a different way to keep from "muscle memory".  Best case scenario I would stop losing bone density in my forearms, or maybe even gain a little God willing!

Then a few weeks ago we did another scan on my forearm so I could teach a new tech how to do them.  My results are what you see above.  The left column is when I had the scan, the first scans I had being at the bottom and the most recent scan at the top.  Then my age at the time of the scans is listed in the next column.  The technical calculation numbers are the next few columns.  The exciting part is the far right column...that is where it shows the percentage of change in the density from the previous scan.  As you can see the first few scans showed a negative percentage, which means I lost density in my bones.  Then you see the top percentage number...a 6.1% increase in my bone density in my forearm!!  At age 37 I'm technically not supposed to be building more bone.  But just a simple change in the way I exercised, weight bearing on my arms/upper body, made a world of difference!  I am no longer in danger of dropping into the "danger zone"! 

Bone density (and really health in general) has become a passion of mine.  Being the front line of our patients I have to know a lot about bone density, and have to be able to answer any questions and educate the patients on how to keep their bones healthy.  The other passion of mine is keeping myself healthy and avoid the health risks that my family history may hand me.  One of the health issues I'm most at risk for being such a small frame is developing Osteoporosis.  The fact that I was able to BUILD my bone density back up with exercise (and of course my healthy diet) is AMAZING!

Anyway, I just had to share my exciting results/news, especially since this is a subject I'm very passionate about.  Women, please take your calcium with vitamin D supplements daily, starting from the time you are a teenager!  Eat a healthy diet with calcium rich foods such as spinach, broccoli, low fat yogurt, etc.  Make sure you exercise regularly doing weight bearing activities such as yoga, walking, jogging, and weight lifting.  Osteoporosis is a silent killer...you won't know or "feel" you are at risk for it until it's too late!  over 65% of post menopausal women who fracture a hip will die from some sort of complication within 18 months.  Don't be a statistic!  We now know how to prevent this, which is a step beyond older generations!  :-)

My 9/11/01 story

I was fairly fresh out of college (9 months) and working my first "real world" job. And I was miserable. I was still trying to figure out who I was and where my place was in the world, and I hated my job. It was an all-consuming hate that effected the rest of my life as well. I was (at that time) about 15 lbs overweight and basically just existing.

I was working a 10-6 shift at the hospital in downtown Louisville at the time, so I was just getting up and going at the time everything started happening. My best friend called me and just said "You need to turn on the TV.". I turned it on after the plane had hit the second tower, and they were getting word about the Pentagon. I was speechless, like everyone else i'm sure. At that time I had never been to NYC. For anyone who has, you don't realize the size of the city or the magnitude of all of the tall buildings surrounding you. It's easy to be naive about it, which will come in to play later.

I was running a little late to work after watching the coverage and (trying) to get over the shock. I got in the car and turned it on Bob and Tom as I always did on the way to work. I knew it was serious when even they were only talking about what was happening. As I drove on the Watterson expressway and was about to get on to I65 north I remember seeing a plane cross my path about to land. I thought to myself "That may be the last plane landing in the country" and wondering where it was supposed to be heading to, as they had demanded all planes land at the closest airport immediately. It was such a clear, beautiful day. As I was pulling into my parking spot in the garage at work is when the first tower collapsed. I sat there for at least 2 minutes with my mouth open in shock. It fell?? I walked the 2-3 blocks to the hospital as fast as I could so I could try to get somewhere to keep up with what was happening. I clocked in and ran to the break room first thing. Within 30 seconds the second tower was collapsing live on the TV. I lost my breath and fell against the wall. This was the worst thing that my generation had ever seen, and it was happening live on TV for all to see. I remember leaving work at 6 that day. What was usually filled with the sounds of UPS planes, helicopters, passenger planes all going over downtown was completely gone. It was such an eery silence. How could such a tragedy happen on such a beautiful day? I passed WLKY news building on my way to the parking garage, and the weather forecaster at the station at the time was passing out small American flags to all the people and cars that passed by. It was so touching to me. This country had come together as one. There were no Democrats or Republicans. There were no rich or poor. There were just the millions of Americans all feeling, hurt, confused, and helpless the same. It was at that moment that I realized how proud we should be to be Americans. I had never felt the power of that until that very moment.

Of course like most Americans I was confused and lost as to what to say or do next. Then it hit me that I was in health care now and maybe I could help. They would have a major overload of injured flooding the hospitals, and just maybe I could go to help. Of course this was a VERY hopeful and naive thought. As the hours and days went by there would be no survivors to take to the hospital. Not even bodies to recover to give the families closure. But work went on as normal. People still came in for their Myelograms, their Upper GI studies, their possible broken ankles. How could all these people carry on like normal? It just didn't feel right to me. One thought came to my mind repeatedly all day; what was I doing? Why am I here? It was that day that I made a decision to change my life. I was changing the path of my career and not going to be miserable any longer. I was going to do something I was proud of, where I actually felt I was helping people. I didn't know what or how yet, but it was going to happen! It was probably no more than a month later I decided to go to Massage Therapy school. This decision changed the rest of my life. In finding another part time job to do while I was in school I found myself at my doctor's office getting a "stamp of good health" to qualify for a job. The physician I was seeing found out I was an X-ray tech and said they were in desperate need of one there. I talked to the supervisor on the phone that night, and 9 years later I am the primary tech in the office. I realized I wasn't in the wrong career field but in the wrong job! I still did massage therapy on the side and will possibly get back into that field again in some way. And i'm very glad I went to massage school and got my certification!

Almost 3 years after the attacks I found myself in NYC for the first time. We decided to go see the site of the World Trade Center attacks. At that time the subway still was closed in that area, and the site was just a giant concrete hole, probably 10 stories, with a fence around it. There was a silence in this large city around the site. It took your breath away. You could feel the energy of the tragedy, of the country coming together. It was like time stopped in that area. I remember then looking up at the surrounding buildings. I was shocked to see windows still blown out, chunks of brick gone from these buildings, still closed. 3 years later and there was still the marks of this tragedy. It really brought the magnitude of what happened to light. Words cannot express the vastness of the area, how large and TALL these buildings are. You just can't grasp this until you see the city in person.

10 years later I look back and see how far i've come as a person, and how that one day changed my life, my attitude towards life and people, forever. I will never forget that day. I will never forget the feeling of that day, and my thoughts and prayers will never stop for all of those who lost loved ones that day. We should all realize the freedom that we have that no other country in the world has, that we have the opportunity to be whatever we want to be in this country. Americans seem to lose sight of that and let politics and religion get in the way of remembering it. We have this RIGHT as Americans, where other countries don't have that luxury. So next time you see a Police officer, a Fireman, or a Soldier fighting for our freedom make sure to thank them in any way that you can, no matter what your political or religious beliefs are. They deserve it. They are willing to die for US, for YOU, without anyone asking them to. Remember that, and remember all the innocent people that lost their lives 10 years ago. I know I will never forget.

Back in the town of J!!

So, I decided I was going to post again once I was completely moved in to my apartment and away from Craig's house and all of that drama for good. Unfortunately the move took me almost a month due to some "hitches" in my moving plan, and downsizing to a smaller place was much more difficult than I was anticipating! My big moving day went well. I had some great friends that came together with their big vehicles and muscles to get all my big furniture and such moved in 1 trip. Thanks guys!! Unfortunately I had so much crap that it took a few more weekends to get the rest of it. When you can't get to much of your stuff until you move other things to get to it, and you have to unpack the things you've already moved to make room for the new boxes, it seems like a never ending battle. Then I got to the last weekend. The plan was to get the last of my stuff, make 1 final sweep of the house to make sure I didn't overlook anything, leave the keys and be done with the place forever! As I drove up the driveway I see a giant pine tree laying over the driveway between a huge pine tree and a rock landscape hill. DAMMIT! Tim was able to get his dad's truck thru the yard and up to the house, but a regular vehicle wasn't going anywhere. I was pissed to say the least. I notified Craig of the problem (I would have rather poked my eyes out with needles but I had no choice but to have contact with him again), and he had the same issue that I did after the ice storm; no company would call him back. Sucked for me, but I was also glad he had to endure some of the hell that I had to go thru after the ice storm, hehe. So I got my parents to bring their SUV to the house to help me get the rest of my stuff. I was FINALLY done with this whole mess! Then I get home and realized I forgot to take the garage door opener out of my car, lol. But it gave me a chance to go back and say goodbye to my neighbors. They were great to me while I was living there alone, helping with the ice storm issues and even the dogs at times. I'm really going to miss having neighbors like that! It's funny that Craig lived there for 10 years, and i'm the one they supported in all this mess, lol.

So, the point was to post after I was completely done with the situation to share how I felt about everything now that i've moved on. And the answer is I really don't know, lol. It's a huge weight lifted off of my shoulder, but there is still some residual left over. The situation broke my confidence in my abilities to know who I can trust in a relationship. But no matter what I won't let it break who I am. I won't let a cheating hypocritical bastard effect me that much! Craig said repeatedly that he was going to respond to everything and my email once he had the time, and that it would be soon. The last time he said this was about 3 weeks ago, and still nothing. HA! Needless to say i'm not holding my breath. However it would've been nice to either have closure with a response or for him to just say look it's not worth it to me so that I didn't have to wonder if i'm going to be hit with a response later when i'm not expecting it. But i've learned that my life always brings complicated situations. If something happened smoothly I wouldn't know what to do!

Now that i'm moved and pretty much unpacked it's a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like i'm home again! It's great being so close to work again, and be able to go out and do things without having to drive an hour and do major planning. I've been able to come home at lunch some days and get Tissi her meds or fluids out of the way. And, i'm able to do things after work, since all I have to do is run by the apartment for 2 seconds then head out! I've been early to most things now because i'm not used to being so close, lol. Tissi, btw, is doing good as well. I just had her 3 month follow up blood work, and everything is staying in the normal range. She has finally knocked out the congestion issues she was having, and her appetite has picked up. It's such a relief to know that she is able to manage her renal issues! I know that at any time things can turn and get worse, but at least for now she (and I) can enjoy her life. I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. :-)

It feels like now my life is starting again and picking up. Several of us got together and had a huge yard sale at Ginger's last month. I've never seen such a successful yard sale! At the end we only had a few boxes of stuff to take to good will. It was amazing! I also won tickets to see Janet Jackson in Cincinnati from GenX radio, and Ginger and I went to that a couple of weeks ago. She put on a great show, and travelling to see a concert with G was like old times when we used to make trips like that regularly! Pep band season has started up again, and being closer I can go to more gigs. And the money will definitely be a blessing to my very tight budget! It makes me feel like i'm social again. My birthday is next weekend, and Ginger is having a cookout for me complete with a sundae bar. My favorite!! Tim's birthday is also next week, and we'll be going out this weekend for that. I also get to make it to the Brew at the Zoo this weekend finally. I've wanted to go for the last couple years and just never made it!

So that's what has been going on in a nutshell (Help, i'm in a nutshell!). Now that i'm in and settled i'll hopefully keep up with my blog better. :-)