The Scariest Day of My Life: My Birth Story

The morning I went into labor was my 32 week mark.  I had been in the hospital for just over 2 weeks due to leaking amniotic fluid and low fluid levels, so we were prepared that our son would arrive early.  The ideal situation was to get to 34 weeks, but at 32 many developmental milestones have been reached.  The morning started pretty routine for my hospital stay.  Around 1:30 in the afternoon I started getting what felt like bladder spasms (I had been dealing with this during most of my pregnancy, and years before, so I was very familiar with it).  It was a light constant cramping right over my bladder.  I asked for my medication for it.  Usually it only took 5-10 minutes to take effect, but it didn’t seem to be working.  The nurse told me to lie on my side and relax, and if it wasn’t gone in an hour to let her know.  At that time they gave me another dose of my meds, which still didn’t help.  At that point they attached the fetal monitors to see if there was any activity.  I was apparently having mild, fairly contractions, but I wasn’t feeling them (this was pretty routine, as it had happened off and on during my hospital stay).  I remained on my side and drank a lot of fluids, and was told to use the restroom regularly.  The cramping never went away, but never really got worse either.

My last ultrasound, the day before I went into labor

Tim arrived a couple hours later.  Around 7:30 I went to the restroom yet again.  I was told each time if there was any blood to let them know.  Ok, no problem.  Except for this time….there was a LOT of blood.  My heart dropped.  This was it…this was the game changer.  Labor and Delivery was notified, and we prepped to move from my temporary home away from home.  By the time they arrived to move me I was definitely feeling the contractions!  But, they were manageable.  Just as I had imagined the full blown contractions would be.  We were in good spirits, and I was even joking with the nurses that were transporting me.  Once I arrived to my L&D room I was hooked up to all the monitors, given the dreaded IV again, etc.  The doctor on call came to check on me.  This time they checked my cervix…they had not touched me prior to this as to not contribute to any germs/infection that could get into my already leaking uterus.  I wasn’t very dilated, about 1 ½ cm.  So it might be a while.  The contractions gradually began to increase, more…and more…and more.  Finally they began to become unbearable, and fast.  Although my contractions were showing as a moderate level, my pain on a scale of 1 to 10 was about a 12.  They asked if I wanted to go ahead and get an epidural.  Yes, please!  They called the anesthesiologist, and as we waited I could barely breathe through my contractions.  Just breathe, the nurse kept telling me.  I can’t!  I wanted to yell.  How can anyone breathe or stay calm through this??  Why is the pain so bad if my contractions were still fairly mild??  Just before the anesthesiologist arrived, the doctor checked to see if I was dilated any further.  I didn’t notice at the time since I couldn’t even see straight at this point, but later Tim told me that the doctor and nurse exchanged a look.   

“You are still only dilated about 2 cm, so we’re going to have to do a C-section”.  

“Ok”, I said.  

I didn’t care at that point, as long as my pain went away.  Just then the anesthesiologist arrived.  “Go ahead and just meet us in the OR” the nurse said.  “Oh God, no”, I said under my breath.  I just wanted the God awful pain to go away.  “How long is it going to take?” I asked.  “About 30 minutes” the nurse said.  “Oh my God” I said, knowing there was no way I could endure the pain that much longer.  I knew it wasn’t the nurses’ fault, so I wasn’t going to take it out on them.  And, I knew that I had to stay calm and focused if I was going to get through this.  Although at that point I didn’t think I could!  I couldn’t see or think about anything else but the pain.  I knew Tim was there by my side, and I can imagine now how stressed and worried he must have been.

Something changed in my status, because it was much less than 30 minutes before they took me to the OR.  By this point my pain was constant, about a 6 between contractions and a 12+ during them, which were happening every minute (which felt like every 5 seconds).  They told Tim where to go to change into OR gear, and told them they would come and get him as soon as I was prepped. The nurse then began explaining how it was going to be very loud and chaotic in the OR and it could be very overwhelming.  I wanted to tell her that I worked in trauma and OR situations for a living so I could totally handle that part, but I was concentrating on not dying from the pain.  And I wasn’t too far off with that thought…

I could barely move onto the operating table and had to have several people help me.  “PLEASE MAKE THE PAIN END. PLEASE MAKE THE PAIN END” I kept thinking.  They had me sit up so they could give me the epidural.  I kept thinking there was no way they would be able to get the needle in me, as the pain was so unbearable I couldn’t relax at all let alone hold still.  As I sat up and put my legs over the side of the table there was a nurse right in front of me helping me up.  “Just lean over my shoulder” she said.  As I did she held on to me and hugged me.  I have never hugged someone back so tight.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to kiss her.  In that moment she was my only security, my only comfort.  I wanted to hug her forever.  Although it was almost impossible to concentrate on anything else but the pain I tried to listen to what was going on around me.  Working in an OR many times I knew what sounds, what words to listen for, but it was so difficult to do.  As they were almost done with my epidural I heard the nurse say “Heartrate at 58”.  Shit, I thought.  My baby was starting becoming critical.  As soon as they were done they all but threw me down onto the table. 

“Ok, we’re going to have to go ahead and get your baby out right now” my doctor said. 
“Ok” was all I could make myself say back.
“Are you getting numb yet?”
“Just my foot, dammit”
Why is it not working faster?  I don’t need my damn foot numb!!

Finally the pain started to go away.  I had never felt such relief in my life.  The second it took effect I could feel pressure and see my abdomen moving.  They weren’t wasting any time.  There was a male voice that was letting me know what was going on.  He told me they were about to pull him out.  His head was out. 

“He’s here!  Time of birth 1:24 AM.”

Then I heard a tiny but strong baby cry.  “He can breathe, his lungs are ok” I thought.  Then I started to cry.    It was over. I was so relieved.

And I was all alone…

There was no one to comfort me.   I have never felt so alone in my life.  No one to tell me he was going to be ok.  To tell me I was going to be ok.  Because at that point it wasn’t certain that I would be.  When they cut me open they realized what had been going on.  My placenta was tearing.  With each contraction it was ripping from my body.  My uterus was filling with blood. This is the most common cause of death during labor.

I heard Tim enter the room.  I was thankful he was there to watch over Noah while they cleaned him up and made sure he was ok.  It wasn’t until months later that he was able to tell me what he had to witness when he walked in to that OR.  As he walked in the door, straight in front of him he saw several people crowded around me frantically working on me, each one covered in blood.  The floor around them was covered in blood.  He had the thought that I was not going to make it.  But he had to focus on Noah. 

It was at that time that I began going in and out of consciousness.  The reality of what was happening to me started to take over my body.  It was 20 or 30 minutes maybe before they were able to bring Noah to me quickly before they took him to the NICU.  They touched our cheeks together and took a few pictures.  He was asleep and all bundled up, and I could barely even see what he looked like.  

Tim left with Noah as they finished up with me.  I was in the operating room for close to 3 hours according to my calculations.  Towards the end I heard my doctor on the phone with a Urologist.  I was able stay conscious and listen to what was happening.  In all the chaos (and bleeding) my bladder was nicked by the scalpel.  They had to repair it on top of everything else.  She got the ok and I was finally almost done.

I arrived back to my Labor and Delivery room and I was alone with the nurse for a few minutes.  They explained to me everything that had happened.  I got to see my placenta in a jar on the table across the room, and the nurse took it out for me to see (a healthcare worker curiosity, which I understand most people would be creeped out by!).  Tim arrived shortly after, then my parents.  I had a sense of relief that it was all over…or so I thought.  When the doctor arrived she had to check my uterus to make sure it was shrinking back to normal.  As she pushed on my abdomen the excruciating pain that had occurred during labor came back.  That was when the weight of everything that had happened over the last several hours fully hit me.  I started crying uncontrollably.  The emotions hit Tim and my parents as well.  These uterus checks, and unbearable pain, would happen regularly for the next few hours.  No pain medication would make it go away while they were pushing on me. 

It would be about 10 hours after Noah was born before I was stable enough to see him.  He was sound asleep.  I was allowed to put my hand into the incubator with him.  He was on his stomach so I still couldn’t fully see what he looked like.  It would be several hours after that before I got to see him awake.  I was unable to visit him again that night, so it was via video that Tim took that evening.  I bawled my eyes out.  He was my baby and I was missing all of these moments.  It would be about 32 hours after he was born before I was finally able to hold him for the first time.  At 4lbs 10oz he was like a feather.  Most women talk about that instant connection they get when their baby is born.  It hits them when they first hear their baby cry, or when their baby is placed on their chest right after birth for that skin to skin connection.  I didn’t get that experience.  Maybe it was all the trauma and pain I went through and because I was so weak.  Maybe it was because I didn’t get to instantly hold him, or breastfeed him, or even see him.  Maybe it was because I wasn’t able to choose when and how he was changed and diapered and held for weeks.  But when I saw him that strong bond wasn’t there yet.  Yes, I loved him and felt that I needed to protect him.  I worried about him when I wasn’t with him in the NICU and wanted details of everything they were doing for him.  He definitely felt a bond with me.  People noticed that when I would speak around him in the NICU he would turn his head towards me.  But it would be well after he arrived home before I would feel that bond.

After 4 days it was time for me to go home.  It took me several hours from the time I was discharged before I was physically able to go home.  I was crying uncontrollably.  The weight of everything we had gone through the past 3 weeks was hitting my postpartum hormonal mind.  I was finally free from the hospital after almost a month, but I was going home without my baby.  I could no longer go down the hall and check on him any time I wanted.  I was unable to stay the night in the NICU because I had to be taken care of as well.  I wasn’t strong enough.  I also had to go home with a catheter for several days, which upset me greatly.  Most importantly, I had missed out on that bonding time of having him in the same hospital room with me, to be able to dote over him like everyone you see sharing this wonderful experience online and when they talk about those first hospital days.  I would cry for the next 24 hours straight, and cry myself to sleep every night for the next week.  Every night in the shower for a couple of weeks I would stand there and bawl my eyes out, having flashes of the trauma that occurred. 

The day we left the hospital.  I felt like I was dying inside.

Now, a year later, everyone is well.  Noah is happy and healthy, and has had no developmental issues from being born so early.  I have had a few minor complications from the C-section, and I’m still building my immune system back up from the trauma my body went through, but otherwise doing well.  This experience has changed us in ways that would be impossible to explain.  We take it day by day, but the memory of what we went through still creeps in from time to time.  It no longer is consuming, and it gets easier every day.  I wouldn’t have been able to get through this without the support of Tim.  He has held me while I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life.  He has supported me through the times when I was unable to even get off the couch in those early days.  He gave me the space to process everything and let me heal in my own time.  He went through his own demons during all this, but made sure I was ok before he brought that burden on me.  For that I am forever grateful. 

I was later diagnosed with PTSD and postpartum depression.  I had to have Tim call my employer and tell them what had happened, as well as tell our friends and family, as I couldn’t even think about it without panicking.  It would be months before I could talk about it, and then it was just the straight medical facts.  It took several therapy sessions before I was ready to talk about it, and even then it was broken up over a few sessions.  I have never told the full story of what happened to me to anyone else, until now.  Why did I finally decide to tell this story?  As Noah’s first birthday comes closer some of the feelings, anxiety, and memories are starting to creep back.  I am telling my story first and foremost as a therapeutic tool for myself.  I also want to share my story so that others know that not everyone gets that fuzzy fairytale story of their baby’s arrival, so they can be understanding and compassionate towards those who didn’t get that story.  I want others who have had to endure a similar situation that they are not alone, and it’s ok to talk about it. 

My MRSA infection

I'm posting this here, so that people can choose whether or not they see pics of my actual skin infection, which is quite nasty to look at!  Being in healthcare I've seen a lot of icky things, yet I still cringe every time I see it.  Probably because of how much extreme pain it is causing.  Even posing for this picture was quite painful.  Lifting my arm above my shoulder can be excruciating, and I was pretty sore for several minutes afterwards.  I had just taken a shower though, and cleansing the area, the warm water, and moisturizing it eases the pain somewhat.

The large, deep bumps you see go all the way to the muscle, which is part of the reason why it is so painful. That is what makes the pain constant and chronic.  Actually, a few times at the beginning of an outbreak I thought I had just pulled a muscle, since the bumps hadn't surfaced yet.  The swelling, redness, and pus in the boils (I know, ew!) makes the area tender, which is what makes it painful to the touch and sensitive to anything I put on it to treat it.  Even aloe vera stings!  This is my worst side/arm.  The other arm only has a few bumps.  That side has newer outbreaks though, so it is more sensitive at times.

So there you have it, my MRSA cooties for all to see!  I also apologize for the lack of shaving, as i'm sure you can understand the obvious reasons why I have taken care of that with all this going on there!  This is also the only picture you will most likely ever see of me without a shirt.  So that makes it kind of sexy, right??  LOL

Since I was sent home early from work with bronchitis I decided to finally get around to writing my next entry, since I'm stuck on the couch unable to do anything without feeling like passing out and all...

Most people know that I've had a bit of a year from hell.  I have been drained emotionally, as well as my bank account being drained as well living paycheck to paycheck!  But I've always been someone who tries to make the best out of even the worst situations.  Sure, the one person I thought that would never cheat or take advantage of me and thought we would always remain friends no matter what turned out to be the exact opposite.  Sure that person didn't have the guts or decency to feel or show any remorse.  But at least I learned something from the experience.  At least I had a great relationship with 2 of the best dogs who taught me more about my inner strength and persistence than any person ever could, not to mention the unconditional love that they gave me.  At least I now have one of the most awesome cats ever who thinks that his mission is to guard and protect me (yes I believe he is part dog), and who is a constant source of entertainment and joy. And this long, drawn out experience put my life in the right place at the right time to be with the most loving and generous man I've ever dated.  And not to mention brought me the chance to own my kick ass looking car!

Even though I was so grateful for all of these things and more, something way back inside me felt drained.  I wasn't really conscious of it, but it was looming over me all this time.  Over the summer I stopped eating meat and dairy and adopted a plant based lifestyle, and I suddenly had more energy than I've ever had.  I had all this energy, but motivation was nowhere to be found.  It made no sense to me at all.  Then about a month ago it was like a dark Eeyore-like cloud suddenly disappeared from my life.  I woke up and suddenly had the urge to walk to work that day.  Then a few days later I had the desire to workout again on one of my work breaks.  Then I wanted to have friends over to watch the big game.  Now I can't wait to plan my next workout, and get my buff abs back before my trip to the beach this year. There was no signifying event that caused this dark cloud to finally lift.  It just suddenly left as quick and stealthy as it began. I have been reading Jenny Lawson's blog (aka The Bloggess), and she describes this perfectly:  Depression lies and is an asshole! Those words made me laugh because it's so true, even though at the time it is happening to you it is nothing that makes you feel like laughing!

I'm not mad that I had to go through the dark Eeyore cloud, because then I couldn't appreciate how great it feels when it finally goes away.  And if I didn't have the ability to know that everything happens for a reason, and that I will be a better and stronger person when the difficult times are over, then who knows how long it would have taken me to snap out of it.  Maybe I never would have, like many unfortunate people.  But if I had just one piece of advice to give to anyone it would be to work as hard as you can to adopt this ability.  I'm not saying it is easy to do this, and it's taken me decades of crap to figure it out, but it's the best thing that you can do for yourself!  I know that there will be more Eeyore clouds in my life, some will be tiny and others will be gigantic.  But I know that each time it happens that there will be light at the end of the tunnel.  As long as I remember that there are life lessons to be learned in order to appreciate what you have I know that I will be happy and ok on the other side.  :-)

I'm a Believer: The impact of Davy Jones, and the Monkees, on my life.

A lot of people online (mainly Facebook) may have been completely baffled by how emotional I was with the passing of Davy Jones.  Those close to me understand why however.  So, I thought I would share my story, both to explain to those who don't understand as well as a sort of closure for me.  And, it's a way to honor Davy and all that he (and the Monkees) brought to my life.

Myself and Davy Jones, around 2008

I was about 12 when the Monkees were first introduced to me.  It was a Saturday morning.  I woke up and headed to the living room, where my dad and older sister were watching TV.  MTV was having a marathon of Monkees episodes.  My sister said she used to watch them every Saturday morning when she was a kid, and that I should watch them because they were really funny.  About 2 episodes in I asked my dad for a VHS tape so that I could tape the marathon.  That was the start of something that would snowball and change my life forever.  Some time passed, and I made a new friend from my band class, Becky.  She was a huge Monkees fanatic, and shared with me many of the Monkees episodes she had taped, as well as their albums that had been re released on cassette (yep, this was just as CDs were just coming out, so cassette tapes were the media of choice).  I was hooked!  We spent that summer hanging out at the pool at my mom's apartment complex during the day, and listening to our Monkees cassettes and watching episodes until late at night.  Nick at Nite had started showing episodes twice a day, so I spent many hours starting play when a new one came on, seeing if it was a new one (if not I would stop and rewind the tape to begin the next new episode), and cutting out the commercials.  I fell in love with Davy (as most girls did that loved the Monkees).  Even though he was older than my dad, I was convinced that we would get married and live happily ever after some day.  I hadn't even had a real boyfriend at that point, so what did I know... ;-)

Then, the best thing that could ever happen to me happened....the Monkees were coming to Louisville in concert!  My first concert ever.  It was amazing.  There they were, live right in front of me!  Later that summer Becky and I would get to see them again in Indianapolis.  Here we got to sit in the front row for the last few minutes of the concert with friends of her dad (in their laps actually).  They reached down and shook hands with people in the front row as they left the stage.  I got to touch them!  It was like a dream.  There was screaming and crying involved from what I remember.  The best thing that had happened to me ever!

My friend Becky would move away to live with her dad that summer, but I had befriended her cousin Karla who was also in band.  Thank goodness, I had someone else to share my love of the Monkees with!  Although I was in my last year of middle school, I got to march with the high school marching band that year.  We spent many band trips sharing headphones and listening to our Monkees albums on the band bus.  Other kids in my school had fallen in love with the Monkees as well, so we had special days where we would all wear our concert T-shirts.  The Monkees had a rebirth in the 80s, a new generation of fans.  This is unheard of, as far as I know, with any other musical group.  Sure, people love the Beatles music, but they didn't have a TV show and band come back like the Monkees did.

At this point you're probably saying "Ok, so you had a teenage crush on a band.  Big deal, what girl didn't at that age??".  And at this point I would agree with you....except this is just the very beginning of my story.  My love of the Monkees' music started my love of the Beatles, my all time favorite musically talented group to this day.  My friend Karla was in love with the Doors, so I was introduced to them as well.  Then came Herman's Hermits, the Who, the list goes on.  I adore music from the 60s and 70s to this day.  Being at the beginning of my experience as a musician at that time this shaped the rest of my life.  To this day I can still hear certain songs that bring such strong emotion, which all started with the Monkees.

My high school years passed and I began my college days.  I, of course, shared my love of the Monkees music to my music school friends (because that was our life after all at that time).  A few years into college I found out that Davy was going to be in the Broadway production of Grease in our city.  I convinced my best friend Ginger (also a musical lover) to go with me.  When we walked into the concert hall there was Davy on stage, 5 or so rows in front of us, playing oldies music and dancing around on stage before the show.  I was a giddy teenager again!  He was still just as good looking as he was during the 60s, and even better looking than the 80s (mullets were a dark time of that decade, lol).  We watched the first half of the play, then stepped out for intermission.  We were standing outside the doorway of the auditorium talking before we went back to our seats.  All of a sudden, without any warning, the side stage door busted open right beside us and out came Davy.  There we were, just the 2 of us and Davy!  As he walked by he said cheerfully "Hello ladies!"  Ginger smiled and said "Hello!" right back to him.  As I tried to ignore the shock I was in and say something similar, hopefully more clever and witty, all I could muster up was "aahh...".  Way to go, I just blew the moment of a lifetime!  Ginger couldn't help but giggle at me.  And looking back, it makes me giggle too.

Several years later I found out that the Monkees were back together yet again and touring over the summer.  Well of course I HAD to see them!  Ginger agreed to go with me to see them perform at the Cincinnati Zoo.  We got there that morning because it was general admission.  We had to get great seats!  There were several other Monkees fanatics waiting with us, playing their music, wearing their T-shirts, etc.  Both of us were new to all of this, Ginger especially since she just came along for the ride pretty much.  We file in to our seats and watched the show.  It was  AMAZING.  Of course I loved their music already, but all 3 of them, Micky, Peter, and Davy, knew exactly how to entertain the crowd!  I wasn't the only one that thought this...Ginger had instantly become a huge fan after that concert as well.  A couple weeks later they were performing at the Columbus Zoo.  So we wrangled up tickets (again general admission, yay!), called in sick to work (cough, cough!) and away we went!  This time Peter came back to the crowd during the sound check and signed autographs.  So exciting!  Then during the concert Davy came down and sang to the front row of the crowd.  Yay, I got to shake his hand again!  It was such a rush!  Later that summer my college sweetheart and I broke up.  I was heartbroken.  Ginger came to the rescue.  What would make me feel better?  A Monkees concert of course!  We headed to NC this time.  There we got to go to a CD/Book signing and saw Micky in a hotel bar we stopped at.  It was just getting better!  Later we went to another concert where the guard to the backstage befriended us, and eventually let us in to the green room after the concert.  We got our pictures made with all 3 and got their autographs.  Peter was the most personable that night.  He looked through the picture book I had just purchased (he had never seen it before) and talked about the different people he was with in the photographs.  So cool!

 The next summer they toured as well.  We had a 3 day weekend where we went to concerts in 3 different cities, making a loop back home.  The first concert was in Merrillville, IN. There we hung out with them in the hotel bar and got to see them up close and personal.  The next night was Rosemont, IL.  We found the hotel they were staying at again and hung out there (we were good at it by this time!).  After a few drinks and an hour or so of being in the same place as the band I decided to pluck up the courage and go introduce myself to Davy.  I walked up to him at the bar, introduced myself as a huge fan since I was a teenager, and it was an honor to meet him.  He smiled and took my hand, and said it was very nice to meet me.  He then told me a joke about a hippo and another animal, and I think there was alcohol involved in the joke.  I was so starstruck I don't remember the joke!  I thanked him, then he touched my cheek and smiled.  I was giddy!  He had paid attention to just me!  They would tour again the following spring, after I had graduated from college and was working in the "real world".  They were playing in Merrillville again, which was just a couple hours away and where they stayed in the same hotel, so of course we had to go to that one!  This time they had an opening band.  It was a boy band that also actually played their own instruments (imagine that!).  We joked about which one we thought was the cutest, etc., but we were there for the opening act.  After the concert we headed to the hotel bar as usual, and as usual the entire band was there.  Including the opening band.  We befriended 2 girls that knew some of the band members, and the next thing I know we are hanging out with the band, and the lead singer of the opening band was flirting and passing out shots to everyone.  We were then invited back to one of their rooms to play cards and have a few drinks.  On the way we passed Davy, and I was personally introduced to him, as "Stephanie the X-ray tech".  "Well hello, Stephanie the X-ray tech!" Davy said, lol.  We then hung out all night and played cards and joked around.  It was a great time!  I would then see them a few more times in concert that summer, and hung out with the opening band's lead singer a few times.  Yep, a real life groupie.  We got so used to being around the Monkees in the real world that it was almost second nature.  Saying hello to their back up band because we recognized each other was just another concert day.

That was over 10 years ago, and those great memories never left me.  I always went on about how great the Monkees were, how I was in love with Davy, how I now had a huge crush on Peter because he was so personable.  Then last year they got together for another concert tour.  The ticket prices were close to $100, and most of the dates were during the week.  With real life setting in since the last time they had toured 10 years ago, I just couldn't make it to any of the dates.  Maybe they will tour again next year, or the year after, and actually come to Louisville again, I thought.

Then 2 weeks ago I was coming back to work from my lunch break, just an average work day.  I decided to check out Facebook before I clocked back in, and there it was.  Less than 10 minutes before they had posted that Davy Jones had passed away.  I stared at my phone.  There is no way.  It's just a rumor, or a mistake.  He is the youngest.  So I checked another source, and there was the same info.  NO, it couldn't be.  Then my phone went crazy the next 30 minutes.  Karla, Ginger, my sister, everyone was texting me about the news they had just heard.  Ginger found out that it was a heart attack.  The rest of the day was a blur.  I was numb from the shock.  I talked to a few co workers that were from their original generation about it, and they were shocked as well (of course not as much as I was).  I came home and started cooking dinner, and the national news started lighting up with the news as well.  They had a tribute on one of the news shows for him.  At the end they showed the clip of him in The Brady Bunch episode where he was in the recording studio singing "Girl".  At that point I broke down.  The love of my teenage years, one of the members of my idol band, the band I had spent so many summers worshiping, was gone just like that.  Tim was unfortunate enough to walk in to my apartment at that very moment.  He instantly walked into the kitchen with me standing there bawling, tears streaming down my face.  "I'm ok" I muttered.  Having listened to my Monkees stories before he understood my sadness and just hugged me.  Oh the things our significant others put up with to be with us!

It's been a couple weeks now, and the shock still hasn't worn off.  Sure, it's not losing a parent or other close family member, but it's pretty damn close.  My entire life was shaped by my musical influences, which all started with my love for the Monkees.  That's where my love of all music started, that's what brought light to my confusing teenage days, my depression of break ups and having to be out in the real world.

So as my closing, I just want to say a big THANK YOU to Davy.  Thank you for everything you did, for being so friendly and personable and bringing joy to so many lives.  You will live in our hearts forever.  I will carry those great memories and experiences you helped bring to my life.  You will be greatly missed, but never forgotten.

Facing past demons...when you didn't know you had them.

Anyone who knows me well knows that i'm fascinated with human psychology and how the mind works.  I have been since college, and came very close to majoring in Psychology.  I mention that because that is the basis of why I decided to post this.  I debated whether I wanted to share something this candid for all to see, but decided that if I am to eventually help others (which is my goal in life) then I need to be as open and honest as I can be.  So here you go!

A few weeks ago an old friend had a big 50th birthday bash.  This was one of the instructors of Coyote's dance team that I was a part of in college.  I haven't seen most of the people associated with my dancing days in almost 10 years or more, so I was very excited about the invite and immediately said yes!  Not to mention that I knew there would be dancing involved, which I have greatly missed since my dance team days.  So I got out my best dancing shoes, gave Tim some background (since he didn't know me from this time in my life) and away we went.  It was a blast! It was just like a high school reunion.  I spent many hours/weekends with these people.  We were at Coyote's almost every Friday and Saturday night, often until 2am, and Sunday was practice.  Not to mention the appearances and competitions we went to.   I got to catch up with many people I hadn't seen in years, and proved to myself that I could still do both the line dancing and couples dances, at least without falling flat on my ass, LOL.  Unfortunately I was exhausted after just one dance, where back in the day I could do several in a row before I took a break.  I had truly missed dancing, and have been wanting to get back in to it for years.  Unfortunately with the disappearance of Coyote's downtown there's just no good place to do so any longer.  It was a fun night all around.

Me during my dance team days 

(second from the left if you couldn't figure it out. ;-)

We rolled back in to my apartment afterwards (it was just a few blocks from my place, which was handy), and I headed to the shower as usual after a late night.  I suddenly started feeling major anxiety and stress out of nowhere.  I couldn't figure why in the world this was happening after such a great night of old friends and dancing, one of my favorite things to do in the world.   I had faced many people and events from my past, some very unpleasant, and never had this kind of reaction.  I'm now a self assured and confident person and have worked hard to become this way.  After several minutes of analyzing, the reason instantly came to me...

I was on the dance team for almost 4 years, and continued dancing for a year or 2 after that.  My dancing past time tapered off gradually, and I was about 26 when I stopped completely.  When I first started on the dance team my young college life was great, or as good as any college student in their early 20s could be.  I had friends of all walks of life; from my music school days, from the dance team, and several others with no relation to either.  I had supportive parents.  I finally could see the light at the end of the college tunnel and was accepted into X-ray school.  But I was a very different person than I am now.  My interests were mostly the same, but I was quite shy and rarely spoke my mind or spoke up for myself (I know people who know me now but did not know me back then will find this hard to believe!).  I was also not a very confident person.  Although I was slender and looked young and decently attractive for my age (I had my youth and lack of money for junk food for that), worked out fairly regularly, had given up steaks years before, and drank lots of water I was still not exactly the picture of perfect health.

Then "life" started to happen.  My college boyfriend and I ended our up and down relationship.  At that time I put a lot more stock on being with someone than I do now.  It was part of "being happy".  Most of my friends were graduating from college, where I still had a couple years to go.  I got in X-ray school, which anyone who has been in a healthcare program knows how hectic and stressful that is!  Then most of my friends started getting married.  As many single (and some married) people know, you are more valued and your opinion matters more if you are married (or on your way to being so) and having babies.  If I was upset because I had to see my ex and his new fiance at an engagement party, for instance, them going on and on about how in love they were with each other even though they weren't together in college (and, incidentally, he was still with me), that didn't matter.  But if I told one story that was during the time he and I was together that was being rude in insensitive!  Of course it didn't help that I had decided to stay single and not date for the next several years after briefly dating a couple of complete idiots!  So I began growing apart from friends that didn't seem to have the same values as I did.  Then once out of X-ray school the real stress started.  First it was taking my boards.  Then it was trying to be completely confident in my first job in the "real world", even though I was so nervous on a daily basis that I didn't know what I was doing.  I was miserable in my job, and in turn started to slowly to gain weight.  The lack of my dancing, as well as being in my late 20s contributed to this i'm sure!  Then of course that was a snowball effect to losing my self confidence even more.

Eventually I started Massage Therapy school, switched X-ray jobs, and got back into shape.  I worked through all of my inner conflicts and became a more confident and outgoing person.  I was comfortable with who I was as well as with being on my own.  I knew that when I started dating again that it would just enhance my life, not define it.  At the same time I also became a more conscientious and caring person when it came to others.  I started to want to help others become healthy.  I started dating again and had a much healthier outlook on it, as well as standing up for myself when I felt I was being taken advantage of!

And that's the person I am today.  But during my dance team days I was not that person yet.  Although dancing brought me a lot of self confidence, and I absolutely loved it I was still unsure of myself.  It wasn't the dancing itself, or the people that surrounded that part of my life.  It was the place I was in my life during my dancing days.  We learned about something called muscle memory when I was in massage school.  Your mind can associate a muscle or movement with something that happened in the past.  Your muscles essentially store this memory, and when that particular muscle or movement is engaged in a particular way your mind can suddenly remember or react in what seems to you as an abnormal way.  That's what happened to me.  The action of dancing, plus the people and atmosphere all similar to a past moment in my life triggered the response.  Although I remember all that I went through, have worked through all of my issues and insecurities from that time, and have even talked about or remembered the past events, my body wasn't used to that pattern anymore.  Kind of crazy, huh?  It's one of those things I have always read about but never experienced.

I'm not bothered by it, nor am I worried it will happen again.  In fact it helped me realize how far I have really come in the last 10+ years.  I've worked hard to be a better and stronger person, and still continue to do so.  Because I don't think you are ever done growing and evolving as a person.  I just hope that I get the opportunity to dance again soon now that I have this new knowledge about myself.  :-)

30 seconds can change a crappy week...

As some people may know, I decided to apply for an online bachelor's program through a college in CT.  During my lunch break today I got a call from one of their admissions advisors.  Long story short, pending financial aid I was accepted for the Fall 2012 semester!  I went ahead and applied, because thinking of the last time I applied for a college (out of high school back in 1992), you had to send in your application, wait for your ACT scores to come in, etc.  Applying for a program geared towards full time employees that have several college credits already is a little bit easier!  I spoke to her for a few minutes and found out a little more about the program and what my requirements will be.  I can transfer 90 credit hours from U of L, which means I will have to take 30 credit hours to graduate.  If I take 2 classes per 8 week term, plus 2 classes over the summer, I will finish in a year.  You have no idea how awesome that is!

Here is a little background:  I started U of L as a Music Ed. major on scholarship, and graduated with my Associates degree in Radiography.  This means I have a LOT of credit hours.  143 to be exact.  The reaction from admissions at Bridgeport College was "We just wanted to make sure you were indeed applying for a Bachelor's degree and not a Master's, since you have so many credits."  Me: "Yeah, I know....I am for sure applying for your Bachelor's program."  LOL this made me chuckle.  I explained how all these credits came about.  Both Music and Radiography programs have very specific courses you take, unlike programs like psychology, history, business, etc.  Those programs you could potentially transfer your core classes for other degrees.  However, courses such as Orchestra, Brass Methods, Radiographic Positioning, Radiographic Exposures, etc. will not transfer to any other degree obviously!  I do have several General Ed. courses as well though, which is why this program is perfect for me.  The reason I haven't gone back for my Bachelor's degree for the last 10 years is because even with all my credits it would take me another 2 years full time to get all the credits I would need.  With all the credits I have already, and trying to work full time, that was just crazy to me!  There are the basic ed. classes, such as 3 semesters of a language, communications requirements, history requirements, etc.  Then you add all of the courses you need for the core program you are enrolled in.  Plus I would have to try to attend courses around work.  It was just never feasible.  Then came the online programs.  Most were either from "online colleges" with no real credibility, or the program still required a boat load of courses I still had to take.  Then came Bridgeport College.  They have a Social Sciences program, which is more general than many Bachelor's programs.  The program is geared towards someone in my exact situation.  It is a REAL college with a campus, and even a basketball team!  LOL  I'll have to get a T-shirt and root for their Division II team.  ;-)  I can work on my coursework at nights and on weekends, and even lunch breaks if need be.  I can still have my job and even my tuition reimbursement from our company.

What seems funny to me is how many people (mostly people my age and older) ask "What will you do with a Bachelor's".  My initial response is "Well, I'll have a Bachelor's.".  Having this many credits and no BS diploma is very disheartening.  I would eventually like to switch careers, but in today's world just having a Bachelor's degree in anything at all is the main requirement in many jobs.  Plus it will give you a leg up in any career, including my current one.

So, there you go.  I'm going to be a full time college student again!  Pending my financial aid that is.  I can't afford it if I can't at least get a student loan.  I'm super excited to finally get my Bachelor's degree.  I am looking in to leaning towards nutrition or health services.  Bridgeport also has an online Master's in Nutrition that peaked my interest, but that's way down the line!  One step at a time.  :-D

I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies...

Yeah, I gasp every time I see this pamphlet too.   And I'm the one who essentially asked my doctor for it!  LATER childbearing, really?  Well, if I want to have kids that is the category I fall in.

So I'm sure many are asking why I have information on getting pregnant when I'm not married yet, let alone trying to have a baby.  I am a planner.  I like to map out a basic blueprint as to where my life is going and what I want for my future.  When I was in high school/college I assumed my life would be as follows:  Meet my future husband in college, graduate college, get a kick ass job, get married, have babies, live happily ever after.  Needless to say that's not exactly what life had in store for me.  But I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason.  I wasn't ready to settle down at 25, or even 30.  Not to mention I had yet to meet "the one".  I was not going to settle down with the wrong person for me just to fit in to the status quo.  I would rather be alone than stuck with the wrong person for the rest of my life!!  Plus I refuse to rush a relationship just to make sure I got married in time to have children, nor will I rush being newly married in case I run out of time to get pregnant.  A relationship, a marriage, is something that takes time.  I want to be able to enjoy the person I'm with and make sure they are indeed the right person before I throw in complications such as marriage and children into the mix.

So, that brings us to current day.  Being 37 I know my days of being able to have a child are numbered.  Yes, I hear all the time how women have kids all the way through their 40's.  But I refuse to do that.  For one, the risk for both the mother and the child goes up exponentially.  Plus, the chance of birth defects goes up significantly after 40.  I also don't want to have to attend my child's graduation using a walker or Hoveround, or have to bury their parents before they are even able to have children of their own.  It's not fair to the child, and It's not fair to my health either.  So, at my annual appointment this month I decided to ask my doctor about having children at my age, and what age should I start being concerned for my own health as well as the baby's.

That's how I came to acquire this lovely pamphlet.  It does come as quite of a shock that I'm considered "Later Age" when it comes to childbearing.  Hell, I don't even feel ready to start a family!  It kind of freaks me out thinking about having children.  Which is especially ironic since most of my friends that plan on having children have already been there, done that years ago.  Then I have to tell myself come on, you're 37.  My mom had 2 children, one almost of legal age, and a divorce under her belt by the time she was my age.  But that just seems crazy to me!

So, where do I stand with possibly having children?  Only time will tell.  I am not yet married, so there's that to take care of first!  If I settle down in the next year or 2 then getting pregnant is still a possibility for me.  If I don't, or if for some reason I do get married and the timing just isn't right for having a child, then it wasn't meant to be.  As I said before, I believe everything happens for a reason.  If I am meant to have a child it will happen.  If it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be.  I refuse to base my life and happiness on if I have kids or not.  It's not fair to myself, and it's not fair to the child if I have one.  I live in the moment and refuse to fret and worry and have my life dictated on things that are beyond my control.  So I guess we'll see what the next few years brings for me!  First let's see if I settle down and get married first and when, then we'll go from there.  :-)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Wow, what a year it's been.  So many ups and downs the entire year!  I've never had such great things and some of the worst betrayals happen all at once like 2011 brought.  The only way to recap is chronological order...

I started out the year finding out our company was bought out by Baptist Healthcare.  We spent almost 2 months not knowing what the change would entail, what our pay would be, and most importantly what was going to happen to our major vacations planned for the year already!!  I had a trip to Costa Rica planned already for May, and the flight was non refundable.  We were finally told right before the merger that our vacations would be fine.  I also was getting a much needed pay increase finally (I was going on 4 years without a raise, and I was already well underpaid from what an RT normally makes).  In trying to make sure I used as much of my vacation time saved up as possible, Tim and I made a trip to my favorite place in the world, Jekyll Island.  It was amazing as always (even more so because there's no one there in Feb.!), and Tim fell in love with it as well.  We even got to spend Valentine's Day at the beach. 

As of March 31st we were officially merged.  The week leading up to the merger, which was already stressful, Craig came home for work related reasons.  It was always stressful when he was home anyway, but add in the fact that we had been broken up for almost 7 months made it even more so.  We got along fine as usual though, and he came and left with no incident to speak of.  Little did I know what was actually going on behind the scenes...

A week after our merger, and just over a week after Craig left, I get a casual email from him telling me that he was going to be a father and was getting married.  My explanation is short and sweet isn't it?  That's because that's about the extent of the email I got.  After some cussing him out and probing on my instinct that there was more to the story, I found out he was seeing her well before we broke up.  Seeing as he cheated and didn't bother to break things off even after 2 weeks of being home the next time he saw me (I finally pryed a conversation out of him right before he left and basically put the words in his mouth that he wanted to end things), and part of the reason we broke things off was because he didn't want to settle down and have kids, and how he had the nerve to cheat on me after being 150% steadfast against cheating and after I basically ran his life and house for him while he was living it up out of the country, needless to say I was pissed, hurt, and ready to stab someone, to put it mildly!

My first priority at that point was to move back to Louisville at all costs.  While I was trying to plan all this, get my finances in order, and pack and purge all my crap, I was told I wouldn't be able to take my vacation unless they filled 2 positions at work so I would have someone to fill in for me.  Yeah, I was pissed.  We finally hire 2 people, and I'm still not told if I can still have my time off (she had to be started and trained first).  One WEEK before my plane took off I was casually told that my vacation time was approved.  Good thing, because I was going to stab someone if it wasn't!  So, I have my vacation set up and my move in date to my new apartment set up.  Great!!  Then at a routine trip to the vet to check Tissi's thyroid levels less than a week before my trip, I'm told she is in moderate renal failure and had to stay in the hospital for a couple days.  This couldn't happen now.  I couldn't lose my Peeps just as my world was coming crashing down around me!  Not to mention the cost and who was going to take care of her while I was gone on my trip.  Thank goodness she was going to be OK, but with some major changes to her daily routine.  Thankfully Tim was nice enough to stay at the house and take care of her full time while I was gone.  I knew he would take good care of her, and I would check in via Skype daily to make sure she was ok.

Finally, 10 years after getting my passport for this very trip, I made it to Costa Rica.  It was an amazing experience.  I love embracing different cultures and enjoying different climates, and CR brought all of that and more!  It was much needed after all of the crap that went down the first few months of the year. 

Once I got home from the trip I was packing furiously and finally moved for the next few weeks until my move.  It felt so great to be back where I felt at home, close to work, and most importantly out of the house where I now felt trapped and smothered in.  I felt free.  Now was the time to heal from the emotional crap that got me there in the first place.  I got support from some surprising people, such as coworkers I only speak to during working hours.  People showed great empathy.  Unfortunately there were some people I was close to that didn't show any support.  Of course those are the people you really need it from.  There were times I felt really alone when working through it all.  And on top of it I was hurt that people I had supported through much less showed no support or empathy, and even had the opinion that I was "overreacting".  That was just as hurtful as what Craig had done, because it was people I thought would always have my back.  But the one person that was the most supportive was Tim.  He was the one person that had every right to run the other way, but instead he understood that a once mutual and understanding breakup and the remaining friendship and trust that was left from it had turned into something very ugly.  He gave me the time and space I needed to sort it all out.  And to that I will be forever grateful.  I guess it is true that people show their true colors when you go through the toughest times in your life.  But I thank everyone that showed support, no matter how small the gesture was.

As I was working through all of these major life changes in such a short time, I came to another major decision in my life that I had thought about for many years.  I decided to become a vegetarian, and after a couple months started working towards becoming a full vegan.  This has been a change that brings me positive feelings every single day.  I can't say that anything else I've done in my life has come even close to doing that.  I feel good every time I eat, because I know that I am doing something good for my body, for animals, for the environment, and even for my ethics that I've held for so many years.  Plus I know that every thing I eat is going to taste awesome and be different and exciting.  Most people can't say that they feel that way even on occasion, let alone every day of their lives!  This decision has also brought me closer to one of my passions, which is educating other people about their health and nutrition and making a difference.  I have started a blog to follow my No Meat journey, and it has inadvertently inspired others to make positive changes in their lives.  It has also brought new avenues of support and friendship in reaching out to the interwebs to find others that are also making this decision.  I even recently won a virtual cooking lesson with one of the most popular Vegan recipe book authors!  :-)

So you can see, this year has had some major ups and downs from beginning to end!  These trials and tribulations have brought Tim and I even closer, and we are planning on moving in together when our leases are up this year.  For the first time in my life I don't start to doubt or worry when I think about a future together.  I am also planning on enrolling in an online program to get my Bachelor's degree in Social Sciences.  I have wanted to get my Bachelor's for some time, and this program will lead me into the direction I would really like to go with my career.  I am hoping to eventually go into something nutrition and/or health based and help people who really need to get healthy.  I am more than happy to see 2011 go away!  But I know that the experiences I've had will make me a stronger person in 2012, and I look forward to see what the new year has to bring.  I feel like I've been to hell and back this year, so I have no worries that this next year will be better! 

I hope everyone has a great New Year and wishes everyone the best.  :-)

My forearm Bone Density results over the last 6 years

"What in the world is this picture of?!?"

This is my "Report Card" that I would love to hang on the refrigerator.  I might even do so after I finish this blog entry!  LOL

Let me explain, both what this is and why it's so exciting.  As an X-ray tech I'm trained to do Bone Density (DEXA) scans.  In my position at the physician's office I work in I do all of the Bone Density scans in our office, and we get a LOT.  One of the scans we do is a scan of the forearm.  We very rarely do this type of scan, as the spine and hips is a much better area to measure.  Since we get less than 1 a year where we have to scan the forearm we practice on each other to keep up our skills. 

A Bone Density is done to measure the density of your bones (duh).  More specifically, it is to see if you are at risk or showing any signs of Osteoporosis, which is weak/fragile bones.  A person with early signs of Osteoporosis can easily fracture a bone, say during a fall, where a person with normal/strong bones would walk away without a fracture.  A person with severe Osteoporosis could potentially get up out of bed one morning and break their hip just from standing up.  Scary, right?  This scan is primarily done regularly on women who have entered menopause, because the drop in your hormones can cause a dramatic drop in your bone density.  There are other risk factors for people who may be more likely to have/develop Osteoporosis, such as a low calcium intake over the course of your life, lack of exercise, caffeine intake, smoking, or most commonly a small/petite frame.  To give you an idea of a time frame for the development of bone density (especially in females), around age 30 you stop building new bone density, around 35 you start gradually losing density, then once you hit menopause (for women only obviously!) your density starts dropping more dramatically. 

As most people that know me at all know that I have a very healthy and active diet and lifestyle for the most part.  Not to mention my love of milk and ice cream over the course of my life!  The one thing that I was always concerned about when it came to my bone density is my petite body frame.  Let's face it, I have a puny bone structure!  So I was very curious to see what my bone density was when we started doing scans in our office.  Thankfully my regular Bone Density scan (spine and femur) were perfectly normal.  Yay!  No surprise though, considering my first scan was when I was 30.  The real surprise came when we did my forearm scan.  My wrists/forearms are the smallest part of my body.  It's pretty bad when I can wrap my fingers around my own wrists with room to spare!!  Although my first forearm scan was in the "normal" range, it was teetering very close to the first stages of Osteoporosis (the precursor to Osteoporosis is called Osteopenia).  Since it was still in the normal range I didn't think too much about it...until I noticed what happened with my future scans.

The density in my forearm was steadily dropping towards the "danger zone".  Every 2 years we did the scan my bone density was declining in a steady pace.  My scan 2 years ago (my third scan) showed that if my bone density dropped the same amount again I would be in the Osteopenia range.  At 35 that is NOT a good thing!  I was taking calcium supplements, eating calcium rich foods such as yogurt, milk, etc.  And although I was exercising regularly doing weight bearing exercise (which is what you do to build your bone density) most exercising does not involve bearing weight on your forearms, unless you walk around on your hands most of the time!

So, I changed my workouts.  Using pilates and yoga, and incorporating a stability ball, I started doing all of my upper body strengthening exercises using my body weight.  I would position middle on the stability ball, for example, bearing all my weight on my upper body, and do various exercises.  I also did yoga and pilates poses that use your upper body strength to build your muscle and strength.  Worst case scenario I would just be building my muscles in a different way to keep from "muscle memory".  Best case scenario I would stop losing bone density in my forearms, or maybe even gain a little God willing!

Then a few weeks ago we did another scan on my forearm so I could teach a new tech how to do them.  My results are what you see above.  The left column is when I had the scan, the first scans I had being at the bottom and the most recent scan at the top.  Then my age at the time of the scans is listed in the next column.  The technical calculation numbers are the next few columns.  The exciting part is the far right column...that is where it shows the percentage of change in the density from the previous scan.  As you can see the first few scans showed a negative percentage, which means I lost density in my bones.  Then you see the top percentage number...a 6.1% increase in my bone density in my forearm!!  At age 37 I'm technically not supposed to be building more bone.  But just a simple change in the way I exercised, weight bearing on my arms/upper body, made a world of difference!  I am no longer in danger of dropping into the "danger zone"! 

Bone density (and really health in general) has become a passion of mine.  Being the front line of our patients I have to know a lot about bone density, and have to be able to answer any questions and educate the patients on how to keep their bones healthy.  The other passion of mine is keeping myself healthy and avoid the health risks that my family history may hand me.  One of the health issues I'm most at risk for being such a small frame is developing Osteoporosis.  The fact that I was able to BUILD my bone density back up with exercise (and of course my healthy diet) is AMAZING!

Anyway, I just had to share my exciting results/news, especially since this is a subject I'm very passionate about.  Women, please take your calcium with vitamin D supplements daily, starting from the time you are a teenager!  Eat a healthy diet with calcium rich foods such as spinach, broccoli, low fat yogurt, etc.  Make sure you exercise regularly doing weight bearing activities such as yoga, walking, jogging, and weight lifting.  Osteoporosis is a silent killer...you won't know or "feel" you are at risk for it until it's too late!  over 65% of post menopausal women who fracture a hip will die from some sort of complication within 18 months.  Don't be a statistic!  We now know how to prevent this, which is a step beyond older generations!  :-)

My 9/11/01 story

I was fairly fresh out of college (9 months) and working my first "real world" job. And I was miserable. I was still trying to figure out who I was and where my place was in the world, and I hated my job. It was an all-consuming hate that effected the rest of my life as well. I was (at that time) about 15 lbs overweight and basically just existing.

I was working a 10-6 shift at the hospital in downtown Louisville at the time, so I was just getting up and going at the time everything started happening. My best friend called me and just said "You need to turn on the TV.". I turned it on after the plane had hit the second tower, and they were getting word about the Pentagon. I was speechless, like everyone else i'm sure. At that time I had never been to NYC. For anyone who has, you don't realize the size of the city or the magnitude of all of the tall buildings surrounding you. It's easy to be naive about it, which will come in to play later.

I was running a little late to work after watching the coverage and (trying) to get over the shock. I got in the car and turned it on Bob and Tom as I always did on the way to work. I knew it was serious when even they were only talking about what was happening. As I drove on the Watterson expressway and was about to get on to I65 north I remember seeing a plane cross my path about to land. I thought to myself "That may be the last plane landing in the country" and wondering where it was supposed to be heading to, as they had demanded all planes land at the closest airport immediately. It was such a clear, beautiful day. As I was pulling into my parking spot in the garage at work is when the first tower collapsed. I sat there for at least 2 minutes with my mouth open in shock. It fell?? I walked the 2-3 blocks to the hospital as fast as I could so I could try to get somewhere to keep up with what was happening. I clocked in and ran to the break room first thing. Within 30 seconds the second tower was collapsing live on the TV. I lost my breath and fell against the wall. This was the worst thing that my generation had ever seen, and it was happening live on TV for all to see. I remember leaving work at 6 that day. What was usually filled with the sounds of UPS planes, helicopters, passenger planes all going over downtown was completely gone. It was such an eery silence. How could such a tragedy happen on such a beautiful day? I passed WLKY news building on my way to the parking garage, and the weather forecaster at the station at the time was passing out small American flags to all the people and cars that passed by. It was so touching to me. This country had come together as one. There were no Democrats or Republicans. There were no rich or poor. There were just the millions of Americans all feeling, hurt, confused, and helpless the same. It was at that moment that I realized how proud we should be to be Americans. I had never felt the power of that until that very moment.

Of course like most Americans I was confused and lost as to what to say or do next. Then it hit me that I was in health care now and maybe I could help. They would have a major overload of injured flooding the hospitals, and just maybe I could go to help. Of course this was a VERY hopeful and naive thought. As the hours and days went by there would be no survivors to take to the hospital. Not even bodies to recover to give the families closure. But work went on as normal. People still came in for their Myelograms, their Upper GI studies, their possible broken ankles. How could all these people carry on like normal? It just didn't feel right to me. One thought came to my mind repeatedly all day; what was I doing? Why am I here? It was that day that I made a decision to change my life. I was changing the path of my career and not going to be miserable any longer. I was going to do something I was proud of, where I actually felt I was helping people. I didn't know what or how yet, but it was going to happen! It was probably no more than a month later I decided to go to Massage Therapy school. This decision changed the rest of my life. In finding another part time job to do while I was in school I found myself at my doctor's office getting a "stamp of good health" to qualify for a job. The physician I was seeing found out I was an X-ray tech and said they were in desperate need of one there. I talked to the supervisor on the phone that night, and 9 years later I am the primary tech in the office. I realized I wasn't in the wrong career field but in the wrong job! I still did massage therapy on the side and will possibly get back into that field again in some way. And i'm very glad I went to massage school and got my certification!

Almost 3 years after the attacks I found myself in NYC for the first time. We decided to go see the site of the World Trade Center attacks. At that time the subway still was closed in that area, and the site was just a giant concrete hole, probably 10 stories, with a fence around it. There was a silence in this large city around the site. It took your breath away. You could feel the energy of the tragedy, of the country coming together. It was like time stopped in that area. I remember then looking up at the surrounding buildings. I was shocked to see windows still blown out, chunks of brick gone from these buildings, still closed. 3 years later and there was still the marks of this tragedy. It really brought the magnitude of what happened to light. Words cannot express the vastness of the area, how large and TALL these buildings are. You just can't grasp this until you see the city in person.

10 years later I look back and see how far i've come as a person, and how that one day changed my life, my attitude towards life and people, forever. I will never forget that day. I will never forget the feeling of that day, and my thoughts and prayers will never stop for all of those who lost loved ones that day. We should all realize the freedom that we have that no other country in the world has, that we have the opportunity to be whatever we want to be in this country. Americans seem to lose sight of that and let politics and religion get in the way of remembering it. We have this RIGHT as Americans, where other countries don't have that luxury. So next time you see a Police officer, a Fireman, or a Soldier fighting for our freedom make sure to thank them in any way that you can, no matter what your political or religious beliefs are. They deserve it. They are willing to die for US, for YOU, without anyone asking them to. Remember that, and remember all the innocent people that lost their lives 10 years ago. I know I will never forget.

Back in the town of J!!

So, I decided I was going to post again once I was completely moved in to my apartment and away from Craig's house and all of that drama for good. Unfortunately the move took me almost a month due to some "hitches" in my moving plan, and downsizing to a smaller place was much more difficult than I was anticipating! My big moving day went well. I had some great friends that came together with their big vehicles and muscles to get all my big furniture and such moved in 1 trip. Thanks guys!! Unfortunately I had so much crap that it took a few more weekends to get the rest of it. When you can't get to much of your stuff until you move other things to get to it, and you have to unpack the things you've already moved to make room for the new boxes, it seems like a never ending battle. Then I got to the last weekend. The plan was to get the last of my stuff, make 1 final sweep of the house to make sure I didn't overlook anything, leave the keys and be done with the place forever! As I drove up the driveway I see a giant pine tree laying over the driveway between a huge pine tree and a rock landscape hill. DAMMIT! Tim was able to get his dad's truck thru the yard and up to the house, but a regular vehicle wasn't going anywhere. I was pissed to say the least. I notified Craig of the problem (I would have rather poked my eyes out with needles but I had no choice but to have contact with him again), and he had the same issue that I did after the ice storm; no company would call him back. Sucked for me, but I was also glad he had to endure some of the hell that I had to go thru after the ice storm, hehe. So I got my parents to bring their SUV to the house to help me get the rest of my stuff. I was FINALLY done with this whole mess! Then I get home and realized I forgot to take the garage door opener out of my car, lol. But it gave me a chance to go back and say goodbye to my neighbors. They were great to me while I was living there alone, helping with the ice storm issues and even the dogs at times. I'm really going to miss having neighbors like that! It's funny that Craig lived there for 10 years, and i'm the one they supported in all this mess, lol.

So, the point was to post after I was completely done with the situation to share how I felt about everything now that i've moved on. And the answer is I really don't know, lol. It's a huge weight lifted off of my shoulder, but there is still some residual left over. The situation broke my confidence in my abilities to know who I can trust in a relationship. But no matter what I won't let it break who I am. I won't let a cheating hypocritical bastard effect me that much! Craig said repeatedly that he was going to respond to everything and my email once he had the time, and that it would be soon. The last time he said this was about 3 weeks ago, and still nothing. HA! Needless to say i'm not holding my breath. However it would've been nice to either have closure with a response or for him to just say look it's not worth it to me so that I didn't have to wonder if i'm going to be hit with a response later when i'm not expecting it. But i've learned that my life always brings complicated situations. If something happened smoothly I wouldn't know what to do!

Now that i'm moved and pretty much unpacked it's a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like i'm home again! It's great being so close to work again, and be able to go out and do things without having to drive an hour and do major planning. I've been able to come home at lunch some days and get Tissi her meds or fluids out of the way. And, i'm able to do things after work, since all I have to do is run by the apartment for 2 seconds then head out! I've been early to most things now because i'm not used to being so close, lol. Tissi, btw, is doing good as well. I just had her 3 month follow up blood work, and everything is staying in the normal range. She has finally knocked out the congestion issues she was having, and her appetite has picked up. It's such a relief to know that she is able to manage her renal issues! I know that at any time things can turn and get worse, but at least for now she (and I) can enjoy her life. I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. :-)

It feels like now my life is starting again and picking up. Several of us got together and had a huge yard sale at Ginger's last month. I've never seen such a successful yard sale! At the end we only had a few boxes of stuff to take to good will. It was amazing! I also won tickets to see Janet Jackson in Cincinnati from GenX radio, and Ginger and I went to that a couple of weeks ago. She put on a great show, and travelling to see a concert with G was like old times when we used to make trips like that regularly! Pep band season has started up again, and being closer I can go to more gigs. And the money will definitely be a blessing to my very tight budget! It makes me feel like i'm social again. My birthday is next weekend, and Ginger is having a cookout for me complete with a sundae bar. My favorite!! Tim's birthday is also next week, and we'll be going out this weekend for that. I also get to make it to the Brew at the Zoo this weekend finally. I've wanted to go for the last couple years and just never made it!

So that's what has been going on in a nutshell (Help, i'm in a nutshell!). Now that i'm in and settled i'll hopefully keep up with my blog better. :-)

Costa Rica 2011. Pura Vida!

I've been back from my vacation for just over a week, but things have been so hectic i'm just getting a chance to post about it!

As many may or may not know, this trip to Costa Rica was almost 10 years in the making. When my sister first bought her bungalow I got my first passport specifically to make a trip there with her. We just finally made the trip, and my passport expires in 3 months!

With all the drama the last couple months with my job's company change over (and not getting approved for the trip until 1 week before we left!), the "issues" that were revealed about my ex, and trying to pack to move out of his house and into my apartment, it was difficult to get excited and ready for the trip. Then 3 days before we left Tissi got out of the hospital with renal failure and a long list of supplements and I.V. fluids she had to get daily! I was so nervous about losing her on top of everything else. Thankfully Tim was going to pet sit for me, and he had experience in giving his dog I.V. fluids. That eased my worries some. I knew I would have my laptop, and I could check in daily to make sure she was doing ok. So I was FINALLY set to go!

I absolutely LOVE flying. I know that is unusual, but i've always loved the whole experience of it. What I am nervous about however is small private planes. Well, guess how we had to get from the San Jose airport to Quepos? You guessed it! A small plane that seats 12, and the pilot has to climb over everyone to get to his seat! I took a Xanax in preparation for the flight. The last thing I needed was to have a meltdown in the middle of a 20 minute flight! Thank goodness it wasn't as bas as I thought it would be. Well, either that or it was the Xanax talking! Either way we got there safe and sound.


We got to the bungalow in the afternoon. I had seen many pictures and videos of it and the property it was on so I knew what to expect pretty much. I was ready to unpack and forget the worries of the real world! We got changed and headed into town for dinner. I was immediately exposed to the rainforest weather with a downpour while we walked down to the bus stop. Nothing like being broken in to the culture right away! I had a traditional Costa Rican meal, casado especial con pollo (picture shown above). It was fabulous! We then headed down the street to a restaurant where a friend of Dawn's was playing with his band. We only stayed a few minutes since we were tired from all the travelling that day. Then we headed back to the bungalow for the evening to rest up for the beach the next day. It thunderstormed all night, which was relaxing for a good night's sleep!

The next morning we headed to the local beach (the pic of me above), and had lunch at a beachside restaurant where I had some more Costa Rican food. Can you tell enjoying the local food is one of my favorite parts of vacation? LOL That evening we headed back into town and had dinner at an Italian restaurant. We had some awesome pizza (which became lunch for the next few days with the leftovers) and some awesome gelato. Before we had dinner we went to a bar popular with the fisherman to hang out and have some drinks. To our surprise and pleasure they had a 2 for 1 happy hour! We made sure to enjoy this deal more than once during the trip!

Day 3 we headed to Manuel Antonio's national park. There is hiking thru the rainforest with lots of wildlife, and also some gorgeous beaches. We hiked to an overlook and got some awesome pictures. We also got to see a toucan, some iguanas and a couple sloths. Unfortunately no monkeys! That night we dressed up and headed to Gaia's rooftop bar for drinks and tapas and to watch the sunset overlooking the ocean. The second we got off the elevator I heard this banging on the metal roof, then felt some vibrations. It was an earthquake! It lasted almost a minute. I felt no fear at all, but instead immediately couldn't wait to find out what the magnitude was that I experienced, lol. It ended up being a 6.0 and was centered about an hour from Quepos. Unfortunately it was a very rainy night so we didn't get to see much of a sunset! But the view was still amazing, and so were the drinks and tapas. I had a drink made with guaro, an alcohol made from sugar cane that you can only get in Costa Rica. Yummy! Then we headed down the street to see 2 of Dawn's musician friends play acoustic at another restaurant.

The next day we walked into town for the farmer's market. It was amazing to see all the fresh produce and homemade cheeses and such! We stocked up on supplies in town for a cookout at the bungalow pool that evening. The rest of the day we just hung out at the pool and bungalow. That night we had fresh snapper and tuna on the grill, mango salsa and pico de gallo, and I had local rum and mango juice with slices of fresh mango to drink. Fabulous! I also got to enjoy a shot of some premium tequila with Dawn's property manager and his very hot Costa Rican partner. :-)

Sunday we headed back to the local beach. That is the day all the locals hang out there, so there was good people watching. That night we headed back into Quepos with Dawn's property manager for happy hour and an all you can eat sushi dinner! While we were there a thunderstorm started. I have never seen rain so hard in my entire life! Take the hardest rain you've seen in KY and double it. It rained this hard all evening and most of the night. I wanted to get a video because it was so amazing, but it was too dark.

Monday was my last day. That morning we slept in and had some fresh fruit and homemade banana bread for breakfast. Before we got out of bed the resident monkeys finally came to the bungalow! They used to come every day, but the construction behind the property has kept them away. I couldn't leave Costa Rica without seeing a single monkey!! Then I headed to a hotel down the street for a massage. It was one of the best massages i've ever gotten, and it was about half the price of one you would get here! Then I wandered around the hotel gift shop and got some souveniors for people and myself. Then we headed back into Quepos for dinner that night. For my "last meal" I requested the casada especial again. I wanted to end my trip with local flare!

I had to catch the bus at 4 am the next morning into San Jose. I was by myself with all locals that spoke only Spanish, so it was interesting! I had a VERY long wait until my flight left. Thank goodness I got to fly first class on the way home thanks to my tons of miles I earned flying to China twice!

All in all the trip was wonderful and much needed! I was able to clear my head and completely forget all of the issues and drama back home. When I got home I had a fresh perspective on things and don't feel as overwhelmed by everything. The best part of the trip was being able to experience both a different culture and different climate. I've never experienced culture shock, even when I went to China where their way of life is completely different from ours! I enjoy observing how other countries live their everyday life and how they do the same mundane daily activities completely different from us. I also love seeing how my body reacts to different climates. When I was in the desert 10 years ago my hair lost all of it's frizz, I drank water 24/7, and I had daily nosebleeds, lol. In the rainforest of Costa Rica the first thing I experienced was the discomfort of the heat. My feet and ankles swelled the first 2 days and hurt like crazy! Thankfully this went away as I got more acclimated to the weather. You body also gets used to the heat/humidity, and after the first day or so it didn't bother me. Unfortunately my hair did not fair so well in the rainforest! It was a constant poofy frizz ball! Picture Monica on the show Friends when they went to the Bahamas. That was pretty close to me without much exaggeration! LOL

I will definitely be going back now that I finally was able to make it there after a 10 year wait! There was so much that I didn't get to see and experience. Plus next time I would like to have some more time to just stop and relax. Now i'm ready to tackle my work issues, and most importantly my move to my new apartment finally!!