The shock of a lifetime...

Well, literally as soon as I posted my last post promising to keep up with my blog better, I had the floor dropped out from under me! I have been a bit dark and cryptic lately, on Facebook for one, which I am not a big fan of. However, some things have happened that completely surprised me and shook my world completely upside down. I'm sure people have been wondering what in the world has been going on. I needed to have some time to process everything before I made it all public, even with me always being open and up front about my life.

About a month ago I received an email from Craig. This was not unusual considering i'm still living in his house and taking care of things here, and he had just been home 2 weeks before. However, what the email said completely floored me, and was a shock to everyone that knows him.

He said I have some news that will surprise you. I'm going to be a father in 8-9 months. We will be getting married sometime in June. She is from the Phillipines, and we have been casually dating since August, more serious since November. When I come back home to live (which will likely be in September because they didn't renew his contract. How ironic is that??) she will be coming home with him. I wanted to let you know first, because i'm sending an email telling everyone in the next couple of days.

That was almost word for word what the email said. Very matter of fact, to the point, no explanation, like I was some distant friend. Needless to say I was confused and pissed! Unfortunately I read this email right as I got to work. Very bad timing! I went completely numb and my mind went blank. My entire body was shaking. I had to run out of the office before I lost it, so I took a VERY early break and stepped out and called Ginger to try to get some perspective (and to vent!).

Now some of you may be saying, well, you all have been broken up for 8 months (at the time of the news). However, you have to look at the circumstances that ended our relationship and my living situation. We ended our relationship 8 months before mainly because Craig wanted to stay in China and work for as long as possible to make as much money as possible, for another 3-5 years. This of course was unacceptable to me for our relationship. We had been growing apart for a couple of years, but I was the only one putting the effort in to try to keep us close. He had pretty much checked out of the relationship. However, every time I brought up our relationship (which was always me, he never brought up the topic) it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk about it. We had a huge fight (which was highly unlike us) over Christmas 2009, but did not have time to talk about it before he left. He was supposed to come home in a few months so I didn't think much of it, but unfortunately that trip got cancelled and he didn't make it back home until the end of July. When he came home I waited a week and a half for him to bring it up. It never happened. When I finally brought it up, it was again like pulling teeth. He was very matter of fact he wanted to stay in China, and staying in China would mean the end of our relationship. So that was that. It was a very amicable break up. We wanted different things and were in different places. He was not looking to get married and settle down and have children any time soon. I was running out of time to do so. So we remained friends because of the amicable break up. I always had known I could trust him, and he had always been completely honest with me.
Or so I thought....

Upon further investigation, which means I sent a message back and bitched him out on both how he gave me this new information and the timing of it, I came to find out that this was a complete accident, and he was completly freaked out about it. I questioned the timing of everything. August would mean he jumped off the plane and started going at it the second his feet touched the ground. All the while i'm here 2 months after the break up feeling guilty about dating again because i'm living in his house still, even though I was doing absolutely nothing wrong. He admitted to sleeping with someone right before he came home again(he didn't say who but it doesn't take a genius to figure it out). His "excuse" was that he knew the relationship was over from when he was home Christmas, and he had been telling me for 2 years we were growing apart. So, Mr. "cheating is 100% wrong on any occasion and would be the absolute end of a relationship and is a sin" had made me look like a fool.

So here I was, preaching about how trustworthy he was, even after the end of our relationship, and he was being very untrustworthy to say the least! I of course being a true redhead bitched him out. I pointed out that if he knew the relationship was over at Christmas then he should have ended it at Christmas. Or, he should've jumped off the plane and immediately ended things with me, instead of me prying it out of him after 1 1/2 weeks of being home. And most importantly, HE SHOULD HAVE KEPT IT IN HIS PANTS UNTIL HIS ASS GOT HOME AND ENDED THINGS. I told him I had had numerous occasions where I could have been unfaithful, and I promise I was much lonlier than he was, and I would have NEVER have done anything about it until we were officially over. Not to mention I was here in the states taking care of his house and land, going above and beyond what he asked for, while he was living it up! But, as I told him, his negative karma has bit him in the ass. He now has to (because that's how he sees what you "have" to do if you get pregnant) get married to someone he barely knows, let alone absolutely wanted to settle down with, and have 2 stepchildren (which I just recently found out). As I always say, karma is a bitch!

So, back to me and dealing with this. I wanted to run out of this house as fast as I possibly could and never speak to him again. Unfortunately this wasn't possibly financially. I had to first save up some money for apartment deposits and whatnot. But I just couldn't figure out how I really felt about this news and how to take it. I was pretty much paralyzed for about a week. Then the person anyone would least expect brought to light exactly what I was feeling. My current boyfriend told me in passing that he knew I was hurt. That was it. Our amicable breakup had not taken away the fact that I cared about and trusted Craig. I was basically going thru the breakup all over again, but this time knowing the truth. Now that doesn't mean that I still wanted to be with him, or I was holding on to hope that someday we would be together again. Quite the opposite! I knew very well that things were completely over between us. His career was chosen over me, and I know I deserve much better than that. But I did still care about him and had no hard feelings towards him or what happened until this.

About a month has passed since all of this went down. I am still processing everything and trying to get past it all. Mainly because I am still living in Craig's house!! That will soon be remedied however. I have a deposit down on an apartment and will be moving out the begining of June. I believe that after I am out of here I will finally be able to let go. I still have some things I want to say to Craig, and I will send him a message with all of it in time. Basically for closure for me. But now I want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again.

I have to thank all of my friends and family that have stood by me while i've been dealing with this. Especially Tim. It takes a real man to be able to stand by me dealing with this, let alone still living in this house and having contact with Craig! He has let me cry on his shoulder, call Craig every name in the book, and most importantly know it had absolutely nothing to do with him or my feelings for him. Between this, dealing with all the stress at work the past month, trying to move and go on a big vacation all within a month, and now my oldest cat having major health issues, there have been many times where I thought I was going to completely lose it. No matter how much I know that everything happens for a reason and that I will get thru this, it still becomes a bit overwhelming!!

So, that's the "big news" that i've been so quiet about up until now. I am leaving for Costa Rica with my older sister Dawn in 2 days. I am hoping that this vacation will revive me and help me escape all the stress and drama for at least a week! Not to mention make the time until I can finally move into my apartment go by faster! So i'll post again after my trip for an update. :-)