My 9/11/01 story

I was fairly fresh out of college (9 months) and working my first "real world" job. And I was miserable. I was still trying to figure out who I was and where my place was in the world, and I hated my job. It was an all-consuming hate that effected the rest of my life as well. I was (at that time) about 15 lbs overweight and basically just existing.

I was working a 10-6 shift at the hospital in downtown Louisville at the time, so I was just getting up and going at the time everything started happening. My best friend called me and just said "You need to turn on the TV.". I turned it on after the plane had hit the second tower, and they were getting word about the Pentagon. I was speechless, like everyone else i'm sure. At that time I had never been to NYC. For anyone who has, you don't realize the size of the city or the magnitude of all of the tall buildings surrounding you. It's easy to be naive about it, which will come in to play later.

I was running a little late to work after watching the coverage and (trying) to get over the shock. I got in the car and turned it on Bob and Tom as I always did on the way to work. I knew it was serious when even they were only talking about what was happening. As I drove on the Watterson expressway and was about to get on to I65 north I remember seeing a plane cross my path about to land. I thought to myself "That may be the last plane landing in the country" and wondering where it was supposed to be heading to, as they had demanded all planes land at the closest airport immediately. It was such a clear, beautiful day. As I was pulling into my parking spot in the garage at work is when the first tower collapsed. I sat there for at least 2 minutes with my mouth open in shock. It fell?? I walked the 2-3 blocks to the hospital as fast as I could so I could try to get somewhere to keep up with what was happening. I clocked in and ran to the break room first thing. Within 30 seconds the second tower was collapsing live on the TV. I lost my breath and fell against the wall. This was the worst thing that my generation had ever seen, and it was happening live on TV for all to see. I remember leaving work at 6 that day. What was usually filled with the sounds of UPS planes, helicopters, passenger planes all going over downtown was completely gone. It was such an eery silence. How could such a tragedy happen on such a beautiful day? I passed WLKY news building on my way to the parking garage, and the weather forecaster at the station at the time was passing out small American flags to all the people and cars that passed by. It was so touching to me. This country had come together as one. There were no Democrats or Republicans. There were no rich or poor. There were just the millions of Americans all feeling, hurt, confused, and helpless the same. It was at that moment that I realized how proud we should be to be Americans. I had never felt the power of that until that very moment.

Of course like most Americans I was confused and lost as to what to say or do next. Then it hit me that I was in health care now and maybe I could help. They would have a major overload of injured flooding the hospitals, and just maybe I could go to help. Of course this was a VERY hopeful and naive thought. As the hours and days went by there would be no survivors to take to the hospital. Not even bodies to recover to give the families closure. But work went on as normal. People still came in for their Myelograms, their Upper GI studies, their possible broken ankles. How could all these people carry on like normal? It just didn't feel right to me. One thought came to my mind repeatedly all day; what was I doing? Why am I here? It was that day that I made a decision to change my life. I was changing the path of my career and not going to be miserable any longer. I was going to do something I was proud of, where I actually felt I was helping people. I didn't know what or how yet, but it was going to happen! It was probably no more than a month later I decided to go to Massage Therapy school. This decision changed the rest of my life. In finding another part time job to do while I was in school I found myself at my doctor's office getting a "stamp of good health" to qualify for a job. The physician I was seeing found out I was an X-ray tech and said they were in desperate need of one there. I talked to the supervisor on the phone that night, and 9 years later I am the primary tech in the office. I realized I wasn't in the wrong career field but in the wrong job! I still did massage therapy on the side and will possibly get back into that field again in some way. And i'm very glad I went to massage school and got my certification!

Almost 3 years after the attacks I found myself in NYC for the first time. We decided to go see the site of the World Trade Center attacks. At that time the subway still was closed in that area, and the site was just a giant concrete hole, probably 10 stories, with a fence around it. There was a silence in this large city around the site. It took your breath away. You could feel the energy of the tragedy, of the country coming together. It was like time stopped in that area. I remember then looking up at the surrounding buildings. I was shocked to see windows still blown out, chunks of brick gone from these buildings, still closed. 3 years later and there was still the marks of this tragedy. It really brought the magnitude of what happened to light. Words cannot express the vastness of the area, how large and TALL these buildings are. You just can't grasp this until you see the city in person.

10 years later I look back and see how far i've come as a person, and how that one day changed my life, my attitude towards life and people, forever. I will never forget that day. I will never forget the feeling of that day, and my thoughts and prayers will never stop for all of those who lost loved ones that day. We should all realize the freedom that we have that no other country in the world has, that we have the opportunity to be whatever we want to be in this country. Americans seem to lose sight of that and let politics and religion get in the way of remembering it. We have this RIGHT as Americans, where other countries don't have that luxury. So next time you see a Police officer, a Fireman, or a Soldier fighting for our freedom make sure to thank them in any way that you can, no matter what your political or religious beliefs are. They deserve it. They are willing to die for US, for YOU, without anyone asking them to. Remember that, and remember all the innocent people that lost their lives 10 years ago. I know I will never forget.

Back in the town of J!!

So, I decided I was going to post again once I was completely moved in to my apartment and away from Craig's house and all of that drama for good. Unfortunately the move took me almost a month due to some "hitches" in my moving plan, and downsizing to a smaller place was much more difficult than I was anticipating! My big moving day went well. I had some great friends that came together with their big vehicles and muscles to get all my big furniture and such moved in 1 trip. Thanks guys!! Unfortunately I had so much crap that it took a few more weekends to get the rest of it. When you can't get to much of your stuff until you move other things to get to it, and you have to unpack the things you've already moved to make room for the new boxes, it seems like a never ending battle. Then I got to the last weekend. The plan was to get the last of my stuff, make 1 final sweep of the house to make sure I didn't overlook anything, leave the keys and be done with the place forever! As I drove up the driveway I see a giant pine tree laying over the driveway between a huge pine tree and a rock landscape hill. DAMMIT! Tim was able to get his dad's truck thru the yard and up to the house, but a regular vehicle wasn't going anywhere. I was pissed to say the least. I notified Craig of the problem (I would have rather poked my eyes out with needles but I had no choice but to have contact with him again), and he had the same issue that I did after the ice storm; no company would call him back. Sucked for me, but I was also glad he had to endure some of the hell that I had to go thru after the ice storm, hehe. So I got my parents to bring their SUV to the house to help me get the rest of my stuff. I was FINALLY done with this whole mess! Then I get home and realized I forgot to take the garage door opener out of my car, lol. But it gave me a chance to go back and say goodbye to my neighbors. They were great to me while I was living there alone, helping with the ice storm issues and even the dogs at times. I'm really going to miss having neighbors like that! It's funny that Craig lived there for 10 years, and i'm the one they supported in all this mess, lol.

So, the point was to post after I was completely done with the situation to share how I felt about everything now that i've moved on. And the answer is I really don't know, lol. It's a huge weight lifted off of my shoulder, but there is still some residual left over. The situation broke my confidence in my abilities to know who I can trust in a relationship. But no matter what I won't let it break who I am. I won't let a cheating hypocritical bastard effect me that much! Craig said repeatedly that he was going to respond to everything and my email once he had the time, and that it would be soon. The last time he said this was about 3 weeks ago, and still nothing. HA! Needless to say i'm not holding my breath. However it would've been nice to either have closure with a response or for him to just say look it's not worth it to me so that I didn't have to wonder if i'm going to be hit with a response later when i'm not expecting it. But i've learned that my life always brings complicated situations. If something happened smoothly I wouldn't know what to do!

Now that i'm moved and pretty much unpacked it's a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like i'm home again! It's great being so close to work again, and be able to go out and do things without having to drive an hour and do major planning. I've been able to come home at lunch some days and get Tissi her meds or fluids out of the way. And, i'm able to do things after work, since all I have to do is run by the apartment for 2 seconds then head out! I've been early to most things now because i'm not used to being so close, lol. Tissi, btw, is doing good as well. I just had her 3 month follow up blood work, and everything is staying in the normal range. She has finally knocked out the congestion issues she was having, and her appetite has picked up. It's such a relief to know that she is able to manage her renal issues! I know that at any time things can turn and get worse, but at least for now she (and I) can enjoy her life. I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. :-)

It feels like now my life is starting again and picking up. Several of us got together and had a huge yard sale at Ginger's last month. I've never seen such a successful yard sale! At the end we only had a few boxes of stuff to take to good will. It was amazing! I also won tickets to see Janet Jackson in Cincinnati from GenX radio, and Ginger and I went to that a couple of weeks ago. She put on a great show, and travelling to see a concert with G was like old times when we used to make trips like that regularly! Pep band season has started up again, and being closer I can go to more gigs. And the money will definitely be a blessing to my very tight budget! It makes me feel like i'm social again. My birthday is next weekend, and Ginger is having a cookout for me complete with a sundae bar. My favorite!! Tim's birthday is also next week, and we'll be going out this weekend for that. I also get to make it to the Brew at the Zoo this weekend finally. I've wanted to go for the last couple years and just never made it!

So that's what has been going on in a nutshell (Help, i'm in a nutshell!). Now that i'm in and settled i'll hopefully keep up with my blog better. :-)

Costa Rica 2011. Pura Vida!

I've been back from my vacation for just over a week, but things have been so hectic i'm just getting a chance to post about it!

As many may or may not know, this trip to Costa Rica was almost 10 years in the making. When my sister first bought her bungalow I got my first passport specifically to make a trip there with her. We just finally made the trip, and my passport expires in 3 months!

With all the drama the last couple months with my job's company change over (and not getting approved for the trip until 1 week before we left!), the "issues" that were revealed about my ex, and trying to pack to move out of his house and into my apartment, it was difficult to get excited and ready for the trip. Then 3 days before we left Tissi got out of the hospital with renal failure and a long list of supplements and I.V. fluids she had to get daily! I was so nervous about losing her on top of everything else. Thankfully Tim was going to pet sit for me, and he had experience in giving his dog I.V. fluids. That eased my worries some. I knew I would have my laptop, and I could check in daily to make sure she was doing ok. So I was FINALLY set to go!

I absolutely LOVE flying. I know that is unusual, but i've always loved the whole experience of it. What I am nervous about however is small private planes. Well, guess how we had to get from the San Jose airport to Quepos? You guessed it! A small plane that seats 12, and the pilot has to climb over everyone to get to his seat! I took a Xanax in preparation for the flight. The last thing I needed was to have a meltdown in the middle of a 20 minute flight! Thank goodness it wasn't as bas as I thought it would be. Well, either that or it was the Xanax talking! Either way we got there safe and sound.


We got to the bungalow in the afternoon. I had seen many pictures and videos of it and the property it was on so I knew what to expect pretty much. I was ready to unpack and forget the worries of the real world! We got changed and headed into town for dinner. I was immediately exposed to the rainforest weather with a downpour while we walked down to the bus stop. Nothing like being broken in to the culture right away! I had a traditional Costa Rican meal, casado especial con pollo (picture shown above). It was fabulous! We then headed down the street to a restaurant where a friend of Dawn's was playing with his band. We only stayed a few minutes since we were tired from all the travelling that day. Then we headed back to the bungalow for the evening to rest up for the beach the next day. It thunderstormed all night, which was relaxing for a good night's sleep!

The next morning we headed to the local beach (the pic of me above), and had lunch at a beachside restaurant where I had some more Costa Rican food. Can you tell enjoying the local food is one of my favorite parts of vacation? LOL That evening we headed back into town and had dinner at an Italian restaurant. We had some awesome pizza (which became lunch for the next few days with the leftovers) and some awesome gelato. Before we had dinner we went to a bar popular with the fisherman to hang out and have some drinks. To our surprise and pleasure they had a 2 for 1 happy hour! We made sure to enjoy this deal more than once during the trip!

Day 3 we headed to Manuel Antonio's national park. There is hiking thru the rainforest with lots of wildlife, and also some gorgeous beaches. We hiked to an overlook and got some awesome pictures. We also got to see a toucan, some iguanas and a couple sloths. Unfortunately no monkeys! That night we dressed up and headed to Gaia's rooftop bar for drinks and tapas and to watch the sunset overlooking the ocean. The second we got off the elevator I heard this banging on the metal roof, then felt some vibrations. It was an earthquake! It lasted almost a minute. I felt no fear at all, but instead immediately couldn't wait to find out what the magnitude was that I experienced, lol. It ended up being a 6.0 and was centered about an hour from Quepos. Unfortunately it was a very rainy night so we didn't get to see much of a sunset! But the view was still amazing, and so were the drinks and tapas. I had a drink made with guaro, an alcohol made from sugar cane that you can only get in Costa Rica. Yummy! Then we headed down the street to see 2 of Dawn's musician friends play acoustic at another restaurant.

The next day we walked into town for the farmer's market. It was amazing to see all the fresh produce and homemade cheeses and such! We stocked up on supplies in town for a cookout at the bungalow pool that evening. The rest of the day we just hung out at the pool and bungalow. That night we had fresh snapper and tuna on the grill, mango salsa and pico de gallo, and I had local rum and mango juice with slices of fresh mango to drink. Fabulous! I also got to enjoy a shot of some premium tequila with Dawn's property manager and his very hot Costa Rican partner. :-)

Sunday we headed back to the local beach. That is the day all the locals hang out there, so there was good people watching. That night we headed back into Quepos with Dawn's property manager for happy hour and an all you can eat sushi dinner! While we were there a thunderstorm started. I have never seen rain so hard in my entire life! Take the hardest rain you've seen in KY and double it. It rained this hard all evening and most of the night. I wanted to get a video because it was so amazing, but it was too dark.

Monday was my last day. That morning we slept in and had some fresh fruit and homemade banana bread for breakfast. Before we got out of bed the resident monkeys finally came to the bungalow! They used to come every day, but the construction behind the property has kept them away. I couldn't leave Costa Rica without seeing a single monkey!! Then I headed to a hotel down the street for a massage. It was one of the best massages i've ever gotten, and it was about half the price of one you would get here! Then I wandered around the hotel gift shop and got some souveniors for people and myself. Then we headed back into Quepos for dinner that night. For my "last meal" I requested the casada especial again. I wanted to end my trip with local flare!

I had to catch the bus at 4 am the next morning into San Jose. I was by myself with all locals that spoke only Spanish, so it was interesting! I had a VERY long wait until my flight left. Thank goodness I got to fly first class on the way home thanks to my tons of miles I earned flying to China twice!

All in all the trip was wonderful and much needed! I was able to clear my head and completely forget all of the issues and drama back home. When I got home I had a fresh perspective on things and don't feel as overwhelmed by everything. The best part of the trip was being able to experience both a different culture and different climate. I've never experienced culture shock, even when I went to China where their way of life is completely different from ours! I enjoy observing how other countries live their everyday life and how they do the same mundane daily activities completely different from us. I also love seeing how my body reacts to different climates. When I was in the desert 10 years ago my hair lost all of it's frizz, I drank water 24/7, and I had daily nosebleeds, lol. In the rainforest of Costa Rica the first thing I experienced was the discomfort of the heat. My feet and ankles swelled the first 2 days and hurt like crazy! Thankfully this went away as I got more acclimated to the weather. You body also gets used to the heat/humidity, and after the first day or so it didn't bother me. Unfortunately my hair did not fair so well in the rainforest! It was a constant poofy frizz ball! Picture Monica on the show Friends when they went to the Bahamas. That was pretty close to me without much exaggeration! LOL

I will definitely be going back now that I finally was able to make it there after a 10 year wait! There was so much that I didn't get to see and experience. Plus next time I would like to have some more time to just stop and relax. Now i'm ready to tackle my work issues, and most importantly my move to my new apartment finally!!

The shock of a lifetime...

Well, literally as soon as I posted my last post promising to keep up with my blog better, I had the floor dropped out from under me! I have been a bit dark and cryptic lately, on Facebook for one, which I am not a big fan of. However, some things have happened that completely surprised me and shook my world completely upside down. I'm sure people have been wondering what in the world has been going on. I needed to have some time to process everything before I made it all public, even with me always being open and up front about my life.

About a month ago I received an email from Craig. This was not unusual considering i'm still living in his house and taking care of things here, and he had just been home 2 weeks before. However, what the email said completely floored me, and was a shock to everyone that knows him.

He said I have some news that will surprise you. I'm going to be a father in 8-9 months. We will be getting married sometime in June. She is from the Phillipines, and we have been casually dating since August, more serious since November. When I come back home to live (which will likely be in September because they didn't renew his contract. How ironic is that??) she will be coming home with him. I wanted to let you know first, because i'm sending an email telling everyone in the next couple of days.

That was almost word for word what the email said. Very matter of fact, to the point, no explanation, like I was some distant friend. Needless to say I was confused and pissed! Unfortunately I read this email right as I got to work. Very bad timing! I went completely numb and my mind went blank. My entire body was shaking. I had to run out of the office before I lost it, so I took a VERY early break and stepped out and called Ginger to try to get some perspective (and to vent!).

Now some of you may be saying, well, you all have been broken up for 8 months (at the time of the news). However, you have to look at the circumstances that ended our relationship and my living situation. We ended our relationship 8 months before mainly because Craig wanted to stay in China and work for as long as possible to make as much money as possible, for another 3-5 years. This of course was unacceptable to me for our relationship. We had been growing apart for a couple of years, but I was the only one putting the effort in to try to keep us close. He had pretty much checked out of the relationship. However, every time I brought up our relationship (which was always me, he never brought up the topic) it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk about it. We had a huge fight (which was highly unlike us) over Christmas 2009, but did not have time to talk about it before he left. He was supposed to come home in a few months so I didn't think much of it, but unfortunately that trip got cancelled and he didn't make it back home until the end of July. When he came home I waited a week and a half for him to bring it up. It never happened. When I finally brought it up, it was again like pulling teeth. He was very matter of fact he wanted to stay in China, and staying in China would mean the end of our relationship. So that was that. It was a very amicable break up. We wanted different things and were in different places. He was not looking to get married and settle down and have children any time soon. I was running out of time to do so. So we remained friends because of the amicable break up. I always had known I could trust him, and he had always been completely honest with me.
Or so I thought....

Upon further investigation, which means I sent a message back and bitched him out on both how he gave me this new information and the timing of it, I came to find out that this was a complete accident, and he was completly freaked out about it. I questioned the timing of everything. August would mean he jumped off the plane and started going at it the second his feet touched the ground. All the while i'm here 2 months after the break up feeling guilty about dating again because i'm living in his house still, even though I was doing absolutely nothing wrong. He admitted to sleeping with someone right before he came home again(he didn't say who but it doesn't take a genius to figure it out). His "excuse" was that he knew the relationship was over from when he was home Christmas, and he had been telling me for 2 years we were growing apart. So, Mr. "cheating is 100% wrong on any occasion and would be the absolute end of a relationship and is a sin" had made me look like a fool.

So here I was, preaching about how trustworthy he was, even after the end of our relationship, and he was being very untrustworthy to say the least! I of course being a true redhead bitched him out. I pointed out that if he knew the relationship was over at Christmas then he should have ended it at Christmas. Or, he should've jumped off the plane and immediately ended things with me, instead of me prying it out of him after 1 1/2 weeks of being home. And most importantly, HE SHOULD HAVE KEPT IT IN HIS PANTS UNTIL HIS ASS GOT HOME AND ENDED THINGS. I told him I had had numerous occasions where I could have been unfaithful, and I promise I was much lonlier than he was, and I would have NEVER have done anything about it until we were officially over. Not to mention I was here in the states taking care of his house and land, going above and beyond what he asked for, while he was living it up! But, as I told him, his negative karma has bit him in the ass. He now has to (because that's how he sees what you "have" to do if you get pregnant) get married to someone he barely knows, let alone absolutely wanted to settle down with, and have 2 stepchildren (which I just recently found out). As I always say, karma is a bitch!

So, back to me and dealing with this. I wanted to run out of this house as fast as I possibly could and never speak to him again. Unfortunately this wasn't possibly financially. I had to first save up some money for apartment deposits and whatnot. But I just couldn't figure out how I really felt about this news and how to take it. I was pretty much paralyzed for about a week. Then the person anyone would least expect brought to light exactly what I was feeling. My current boyfriend told me in passing that he knew I was hurt. That was it. Our amicable breakup had not taken away the fact that I cared about and trusted Craig. I was basically going thru the breakup all over again, but this time knowing the truth. Now that doesn't mean that I still wanted to be with him, or I was holding on to hope that someday we would be together again. Quite the opposite! I knew very well that things were completely over between us. His career was chosen over me, and I know I deserve much better than that. But I did still care about him and had no hard feelings towards him or what happened until this.

About a month has passed since all of this went down. I am still processing everything and trying to get past it all. Mainly because I am still living in Craig's house!! That will soon be remedied however. I have a deposit down on an apartment and will be moving out the begining of June. I believe that after I am out of here I will finally be able to let go. I still have some things I want to say to Craig, and I will send him a message with all of it in time. Basically for closure for me. But now I want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again.

I have to thank all of my friends and family that have stood by me while i've been dealing with this. Especially Tim. It takes a real man to be able to stand by me dealing with this, let alone still living in this house and having contact with Craig! He has let me cry on his shoulder, call Craig every name in the book, and most importantly know it had absolutely nothing to do with him or my feelings for him. Between this, dealing with all the stress at work the past month, trying to move and go on a big vacation all within a month, and now my oldest cat having major health issues, there have been many times where I thought I was going to completely lose it. No matter how much I know that everything happens for a reason and that I will get thru this, it still becomes a bit overwhelming!!

So, that's the "big news" that i've been so quiet about up until now. I am leaving for Costa Rica with my older sister Dawn in 2 days. I am hoping that this vacation will revive me and help me escape all the stress and drama for at least a week! Not to mention make the time until I can finally move into my apartment go by faster! So i'll post again after my trip for an update. :-)

Ok, so I haven't been doing a very good job at keeping up with regular posts! So much has been going on in the last several months i've barely had time to even think!

The biggest change has been in my job/career. As many people know I had been job searching for several months, due to both being unhappy and stagnant in my current position and needing a much overdue pay increase. Little was available in my career field, and the positions I was actually able to find I didn't get for one reason or another. Just when I was about to give up on ever being financially stable we got big news at work: Our company was being bought out by Baptist Healthcare. Although most people in the company were majorly freaking out, I knew this was potentially a blessing in disguise. Most of the issues I had with my job would definitely be rectified with being under a larger healthcare corporation! Then there was the raise issue. I was already being majorly underpaid for what a normal RT makes in a hospital.

So the company change went thru completely as of this Monday. Although the change has been chaotic and quite an adjustment, thankfully all of the changes have been in my favor. Including financially! Plus now that i'm working for one of the largest healthcare companies in the city (and the state) I have many more opportunities for advancement. They are recognizing me as an RT and appreciate the skills that I possess, and want to utilize those skills. And for once someone actually sees how much effort and work i've put in to making my department so functional! I don't mind most of the changes they are making in the company. No matter what they do it will still be much more relaxed than working in the hospital! I'm still getting used to the new schedule, and i'm completely exhausted this week. But I know things will get back to being routine soon.

The biggest benefit of all this is that now I can pay off some of my debt and save money so I can finally move back to Louisville and closer to work and family! Not to mention the awkwardness of living in my ex's house and getting back out there in the dating world. Craig has been home twice since my last post. Don't get me wrong, we got along just fine, better than before we split up to tell you the truth. But this house is not mine. I want to go back to a place that I feel is 100% my home again. Plus I would like to not have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn and put a ton of miles on my car every day just to get to work! I've already gotten the information I need from the apartment complex I lived in previously (new pricing, pet restrictions, etc) so that I can get an idea of where my finances need to be and how long i'm looking at to move. It's funny how i'm ending up right back where I started from over 8 years ago when I first moved out on my own! It feels good though. And that was the last time I really felt at home with where I was living.

As far as the dating scene goes, i've been seeing someone for a few months now. I've not really announced it to the world (i.e. Facebook). This is only because i've learned that meddlers can take things out of context and start rumors, which get back to Craig (who could care less, not to mention probably doesn't want to hear anything about my personal life!), which could cause issues with our living arrangement. It's not like i'm doing anything wrong, I just don't want the hassle of having to explain myself and my situation. My true friends and family know the who and what and how, and that's all that is important to me. Pretty much I just want to live my life the way I want to live it and not have everyone else's opinions on it! I've discovered over the last 8 months (yes, that's how long it's been since I became single again!) that people have a lot of opinions on how I should live my life, how I should feel, how I should run my dating life, what I should do, etc. My life is not average or ordinary. I don't fit in to the "I must be married and have babies by a certain time or my life is pointless" mould that everyone feels is "normal", nor will it ever be. Will I settle down and get married and have kids? Only time will tell that. But i'm not going to put pressure on myself or anyone I date that this has to be the end result of my life. I'm all about letting things happen how they may, and if it's meant to be then it will happen. Until then i'm going to enjoy my life (and freedom to do so!) where it is!

There is much more going on in my life, but I think this is enough for one blog post! So, more on the rest of my story later. :-)

So a month or so has passed since my last blog post. A lot has happened in just that short amount of time! My niece just turned 2, and my nephew is now 6 months old. I can't believe how fast they are growing! I wish I was able to see them more often. They are, of course, perfect and wonderful. Even when my niece is throwing a tantrum on the floor I think it's adorable, lol.

Pep band is also in full swing again with all the fall sports. I always love coming back after the summer to play again! Yesterday was the first time I got a chance to see the new arena, with the red-white scrimmage. All I can say is wow! It felt a little weird passing the Eastern Pkwy. exit to head to a game, and I was definately concerned that it wouldn't feel like a true home game since i've been going to games since I was like 10 in Freedom Hall. I have to say it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it still doesn't feel quite like home yet. The acoustics, however, were amazing compared to the old house. We warmed up to the fight songs before most of the fans got there. It sounded so amazing that I got chills! Being able to play music like that is one of the most amazing rushes I have ever had. Being there to play the fight songs for the first time in the new arena ranked up there with getting to play the National Anthem in Madison Square Gardens 2 years ago. I love it!

I have had several personal revelations in the last month. Most of them came as a shock to me, as I am pretty secure in who I am and do not let anyone's feelings or opinions affect that. Some of them were from things in the past though...I wasn't always this secure in who I am! The first one came to me a few weeks ago. I have always been in touch with my sexuality, at least deep down somewhere lol. But until recently i've always felt a bit reserved, or stifled in away however. I could never put my finger on exactly why, or even that was indeed what I was doing. Since i've been newly single i've felt almost like something was trying to break thru on that level, but I couldn't put a finger on why especially now that I was no longer even dating anyone! I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me! Then in the shower a couple weeks ago I suddenly had a revelation...in the past I have dated people who made me feel in a way like I couldn't, or shouldn't, have those feelings. Sure, they had absolutely no problem with me expressing it to them (typical guys)! But they would be jealous or upset at the thought that I would have ever expressed that to anyone else. I dated a few extremely jealous people that had a problem with the fact that I had any sort of a past. Of course it was ok for them to have one! I even dated someone who would have thrown me under the bus to protect their reputation of seeming virtuous! The revelation that came to me (while analyzing my day lol) was this: I have only dated 2 guys seriously in the last 10 years. 2 people in 10 years! That is hardly what I would call "getting around", lol. I was shocked that I was still carrying around this issue from my past. I was single for almost 5 years in my 20's to get past all of that crap and figure out who I really was for goodness sake! It was very eye opening and humbling for me to realize this, almost like I had to give myself permission to feel human in that way. And to think I wasted all this time until I was well into my 30's to figure this out... ;-)

The next revelation came to me about a week ago. Being in a relationship for over 6 years you kind of forget what it's like to not be in it. Things became so routine with me that I didn't even question where or how the relationship was, even after it was over. Now that my life is taking a different path than it was a few months ago i've started realizing things that I have been missing for years and never realized. I didn't have someone who was truely interested in my life and what was going on with it. I missed feeling special and someone actually telling me so. Even small things, like knowing where my tickle spots are or what it means when I make a certain face. It's so weird that you don't realize you are missing something when you are in the situation! Do I feel that I was settling? No not really. I think at the time that was not a priority in my life.

The last revelation came to me last night, thanks to my bff. We were discussing both my dating life and living situation. There is a chance that Craig could be coming back the middle of next year, instead of a few years now like he was thinking (and hoping). I commented on how it was ironic that he was coming back soon, when part of the reason we broke up is because he was going to be there for quite a while, and now there's a chance he won't be. Her comment back was "Well now you are free to find your true happiness". It suddenly hit me that she was exactly right. I hadn't even thought of that until she said it to me. Although I wasn't unhappy before, I hadn't found my true happiness in life yet. Now I believe that I am well on my way of having it, and soon!

So where am I after almost 3 months of being newly single? Well, much further than I thought I would be at this point for one! I'm out in the dating world again, and actually enjoying being single and "out there" again. When I was in the relationship the thought of me being in my mid 30's and not even close to thinking about having a family came to mind on a regular basis. Not that I was freaking out about not having one, but that I was in a way being held back from even thinking about it. I can honestly say that hasn't crossed my mind in the last couple months at all. I do feel that I am on the right path in my life, and that if it was meant to be it will happen, but I don't have to have it to be happy with myself and my life. Who I have in my life is most important to me. I now only want people in my life that are a positive influence and that truely care about me, and I feel that is happening now. I am not sure exactly what the future holds for me, even in 6 weeks let alone 6 months. But I know whatever it is I can be happy with who I am now. :-)

I was just looking at my last blog post and realizing how long it's been! Man does time fly!

Well my blood donation went well. No passing out from getting stuck by a needle (twice if you include the damn blood count they stick your finger for. That sucker hurts!), and no weakness from lack of blood. Plus I got some Graeter's ice cream afterwards and a coupon for a free pint. Awesome!! Unfortunately my parents weren't able to give blood that day. They had been to a tropical island in the last 6 months that was on their "list". I got nervous for a minute because there were some Eastern countries on the list if you had been there in the last 3 years. Thank goodness China was not one of them!

When I got home I was ready to sit on the couch and relax, since you aren't supposed to do much for the rest of the day. I went to turn on the TV, and the receiver wouldn't come on. Crap! I had just switched over to my receiver a couple months ago because Craig's had gone out. So, I had to bite the bullet and call Craig to figure out how to switch the sound from everything over to the TV. This damn TV is the most complicated I've ever dealt with in my life. Plus the eye for the remote no longer works so you can't use the remote to change the settings, which would probably be easier. So here I am, pulling out a 60 something inch TV from the wall (console type, not flat screen!) just an hour or so after giving blood, on the phone with my ex, who I'm trying to have as little contact as possible with, and trying to figure out which cords go to what. I told Midnight (as of course he had to "supervise" what I was doing) if I passed out call for back up! Thankfully it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, and I didn't pass out. My dad got me a receiver the next week for an early Christmas present. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to adjust the sound on the TV at all except for manually, which for anyone who deals with cable TV knows that every single channel has a different friggin volume!

So the next day was my birthday, and the first day of my week long vacation from work. Goody for me, I woke up with a really bad sinus infection! I layed on the couch all day so that I would have the energy to go out to dinner that night. We went to Wiltshire on Main, where Casey (Ginger's nephew-in-law) is a chef. The atmosphere was great and so was the food. I was bummed however, because the Bare Minerals Quickie van was outside for the trolley hop that night, but it was gone by the time we finished dinner. :-( I'm like the poster child for Bare Minerals makeup! LOL After dinner we went back to Ginger's where she had some Gigi's cupcakes waiting for me. Yummy! The next night I went to my friend from high school Karla's parents house in J-town for a karaoke party. It was great fun! I got to catch up with Karla and meet her kids and husband, all who were awesome. :-) Unfortunately I was still sick and had to call it an early night. I was that sick for about 4 or 5 days, which ruined most of my vacation time! I had plans to go stay with Nicki and Troy so I could spend some time with them and my niece and nephew but had to cancel. I still wasn't feeling great the rest of the week, but I was at least partially functional so I could get a few things done and make it to Huber's that Friday for some wine tasting and lunch. The best part about that was when we went to visit the petting farm. The had a large fenced area with goats, who happened to find an unlocked fence and broke free. 20-30 goats were running everywhere! It was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. I so wish I had my Flip video camera with me! I also taught Spencer, my friend Jenny's son who is the same age as my niece, how to yell BUNNY! every time he sees a rabbit, LOL. I love corrupting small children! ;-)

As for the rest of my life, work is, well, the same ol' crap. Just getting through the days and hoping either something gets better or I find an opening for another job soon. The damn Rad. Tech market is so flooded with techs with all the Rad. Tech programs in the city it's ridiculous. I am still studying for my final in my 3D imaging course, but with being sick on top of the fact that it's been a long time since I've finished some of the lessons, it's been slow going! I should be ready in the next week or so hopefully, then I'll be moving on to the next course. I'm just praying that I can get a good job with this new modality as soon as possible!

As for my dating life...LOL well I keep finding it amusing. Not exactly dating itself, but the people around me and their views and opinions on MY dating life. I have at least gotten past the people freaking out if I start dating too early. And, thank goodness, I'm not yet to the point where everyone is asking me on a daily basis if I'm dating, who I'm dating, why am I not dating, etc. I'm calling it the "sweet spot". It's the point in between those 2 phases where no one is bugging the hell out of me about it! And I'm FAR from the phase where it's been so long since I've been in a relationship that people start questioning my sexuality! That is the most amusing to me! Because god forbid you actually CHOOSE to be single! That's only happened to me once in my life, and I could do nothing but laugh at them. Of course with my hetero-life partner now married maybe I will be able to keep those rumors at bay now. Oh wait, I forgot, the husband could just be a cover...excuse me while I roll my eyes into the back of my head...

So yes yes, the question you want to know...am I dating yet. Damn nosey people, LOL! I am slowly getting back into the dating world again. I have gotten the dreaded "first date back" out of the way. Oh, have I mentioned that I hate first dates?? Always have! Pain in the ass in my opinion. Ginger, on the other hand, absolutely loves them and is now looking forward to living through me vicariously. If somehow she could go on the initial dates for me and get them out of the way that would be fabulous! I have found it amazing how many people come out of the woodwork as soon as you claim yourself to be single! I was bombarded the first 2 days I made it public with offers and guys just wanting to suddenly say "hey, so what's up..." lol. I was thinking where the hell were you people when I was actually looking for dates back in the day?! I have found that I'm much more picky this time around. My old Mojo account is active again (although not as fun as it was back in the day). I won't even read responses from anyone that doesn't use punctuation, asks stupid questions, or uses words like "classy" or "gentleman". Because really, if you are classy or a gentleman then you wouldn't use those annoying words! Oh then there's my favorite, a guy that sent me simply one word: Yummy. How the hell do you respond to that?? My answer, you don't! LOL I don't have time for this crap anymore. Then there was my experience this past weekend at a bar we were at to do some karaoke. This very drunk, very creepy guy was hitting on me, sitting way to close to me and staring at me. Ew ew ew! I haven't gotten hit on in a bar in years, and I suddenly become single again and here they come. When he finally went away I asked my friends how in the hell do they know?? The response from my friend was "Oh, they know!", lol. So now I need to get a fake ring or something to keep them away. Although when I told this guy about my "very serious relationship" I was in he was still adamant. I feel like I need to take another shower just thinking about it again....

So this time around I've decided not to let everyone know the complete ins and outs of my dating life. Mainly the annoying women at work. Oh they've tried to figure it all out in their own little sneaky ways. Always asking me "so, anything new going on in your life?", aka "So, you dating anyone yet? Is it serious? When are you getting married and having babies?". I've shared some of the details to a few close friends but that's about it. Although when I'm talking to my friend at work about it (she's going through some similar stuff in her life right now so we swap stories lol) I see the women at work straining to try to hear what we're talking about, lol. It cracks me up! I think if I ever get married and start having kids I'm going to just deny the entire thing to them. I'll come in to work 8 months pregnant saying "Pregnant?? I don't know what you're talking about..." and turn my fat belly around and walk away, LOL.

As far as "how I feel about everything" goes, I'm getting there. I am happy with where my life is going, but not quite happy about where it is. But many things are out of my control for the time being. I'm ready to get back into the dating world, but not quite ready for anything serious. Plus the thought of bringing anyone "home" is not an option right now, considering where I live. I just don't feel comfortable with that here. It just feels wrong, you know? Well most people wouldn't know because few people have probably been in the situation I'm in! But it's not my house, and there's a lot of history here. I once saw this is my house as well, but now I don't. My future is not here nor will it ever be. When that starts becoming an issue I will have to seriously consider other options. For now, unfortunately, I can't afford to go anywhere. I used to care about the look and condition of this house, now I just keep it livable. Which actually is a vast improvement of it's state before I moved in! I will be happy to live in a place that I can call my own again, and feel comfortable in no matter what the situation is (i.e. dating). But for now this is my life and I will deal with everything as it comes my way.

Crap, I almost forgot the most exciting news! Since much of my stress is disappearing, so are the excess pounds I gained this year! Which is more amazing because of the fact that I haven't been able to work out regularly since I got sick. It could be the 185 lbs of stress that is no longer a part of my life as of a couple months ago, LOL. And no, it's not muscle i'm losing, because my waistline is shrinking (which is where I gained it all). I am now 2 lbs from where I started, and 4 lbs from my goal. I haven't changed my eating habits either, still eating as healthy as I was before. I TRIED TO TELL EVERYONE that I was gaining, and not losing, even though I was trying as hard as I could. I figured it was stress, but people who know nothing about weight loss, exercise, and nutrition couldn't comprehend that. Of course most people won't notice the difference, unless I stand around completely naked which is NOT happening! But my clothes are finally fitting better, and I feel better in them. :-)

Peace out, Peeps!